In 1977 I received a book for Christmas, it was called ‘The Making of The Goodies Disaster Movie’ a surreal bit of work written by the Goodies. Graham Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor who wrote and played the Goodies on television was surreal entertainment at its best and helped shaped my skewed view on the world at a very early age. To give you an idea on just how clever some of their work was here’s a fictitious cast list for a version of White Christmas taken from the book…
“Two Ears” Laybelle
Mrs B White
Seeing as we are rambling on about alternative words why not try a few of these this Christmas to liven up those carols, you never know you might get a few more bob!
While shepherds watched their soaps by night,
All watching ITV,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And switched to BBC.
Lidl donkey, Lidl donkey,
On the cheap road,
Got to keep on flogging onwards,
With your bargain load.
Good King Wenceslas looked out
For the van of Stephen,
He had ordered pizza out,
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night
Over Marks and Spencers,
‘Stephen you’re late’ said the king,
then he knocked him senseless.
We three kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear,
So fantastic, no elastic,
Only tuppence a pair.
O’Star of wonder, star of light,
Santa caught his pants alight,
Hit the Ceiling, started screaming
O’It was the perfect flight.
I thought I would have a go with this takeaway Cliff classic…
The burger is King, the Carollers sing,
The old has passed, the fast food will win.
Dreams of fanta, dreams of wings,
Fingers greasy, faces will grow.
Christmas time, Misery and Whine,
Children eating cheesburger grime,
With royales on the flamer and bacon for thee,
A poor substitute for dinner we see.
A time unforgiving, a time for heaving,
Shove down the quarterpounder and fries for ever after,
Ours for the bellyaching, just follow the McMaster.
A time for lusting, not believing,
Violent night, bowely night
A time for misgiving, a time for sweating,
A standard of living that will be worth forgetting.
Christmas means shove down every last piece,
So open wide and swallow your grease.
It’s a start, I wonder what other lyrics I can massacre?