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Kitchen Aid Alice

Jayne has gathered an impressive array of cutters for her Foreverbunny pictures that they were just begging to be rooted through. I love old objects now I am an old object myself, things were built to last and be as potentially lethal as possible. Take this nested set of pastry cutters, solidly made with a cutting blade akin to a razor blade. They even come in a metal tin with sharp edges just to get you started with a few nics and cuts before you really get stuck in losing digits.

She has lots of circles, ovals, a full set of sculpting tools a of course an assortment of objects used to decorate each piece she creates. One thing I didn’t expect though was this.

Really? You mean there really was a time when it was considered ‘swish’ to cut your sandwiches into playing card suits? I mean, how do you handle such situations? I for one cannot think of any sensible time I would do this apart from children’s themed parties and the occasional time in dress up as Alice for one of my yearly mad hatters tea parties. Oh, and I might use them to make a full deck of cheese, cucumber and brown sauce sandwiches, my secret pleasure that I could eat for every meal.

I could also use them to cut out fancy luncheon meat or how about a literal club sandwich where everything is clubs, the mirth would never end. How about spade cut sponge cake for gardeners or heart cheese quiches for weddings, the fun never ends does it.

Cutting gold they are and I shan’t have a bad word said against them.

But OMG look at the back of the box, they do more lethal kitchenware including something that could only be described as a Zombie Steamroller; a lightening mincer, the fastest way ever to lose fingers and quite possibly multiple limbs in one convenient rolling action. Can you imagine this being for sale today? It would have safety screens and be encased in finger proof perspex. The rollers would be plastic rather than sturdy metal and the warning in the instructions will run on to three pages with a special disclaimer avoiding any potential lawsuits.

Kitchen utilities were a lot more fun in those days, they certainly kept you on your toes or took off your toes depending on how you used them. I blogged a while ago about another useful kitchen aid that had the potential to turn you hand into a small dibber and that’s the coffee grinder we have that is so old it can be operated without a cover, well we have since added to the list of lethal gadgets with a coffee perculator. A small kettle like object that passes boiling water through coffee beans by spitting it up a tube and around the top of the lid, all of which you can see through the use of a small clear plastic top. It makes fantastic coffee but even better remove the lid whilst it’s switched on and you get a coffee volcano as scalding pleasant smelling liquid catapults up to six feet in every direction.

I call it the ice breaker and use it to liven up a party, it’s hilarious.

You will have to excuse me, my Alice costume is beckoning and I have an unbirthday to sort out. There’s such a lot to do, scald the guests with coffee, strim my fingers with the roller mincer and of course cut some of those delightful spade and diamond sandwiches, oh and drink some of that stuff that makes me really small, brings the floor much closer and adds difficulty to keys and locks all from that delightful bottle called ‘wine’.


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