I seemed to have been plagued by a host of whistlers over the last few days, each one getting worse with their random warbles. It all started on Monday with a rather annoying tuneless high pitched shriek from a middle aged gentleman as he passed me and ended yesterday with a full on twin chorus of Yankee Doodle Dandy completely out of tune and whistled to the rhythm of Smack My Bitch Up. Even more annoying are the working whistlers, whistlers that amble aimlessly through mediocrity reaching culpable ear piercing high notes, children cry and birds tumble out of the skies as they use their wings to cover their ears. Meanwhile they carry on pootling away at whatever toil is occupying them oblivious to the pain and suffering of others.
So, here’s a handy guide for potential whistlers.
Right, without further whistling here’s today’s blog. Watch out, Maudlin Maude is back with more of your true Horrorscopes.
Maudlin Maude here, the mists are again clearing in my crystal balls so it time for me to enlighten you further…
Today will be a Wednesday, there will be a period of light followed by darkness as you inadvertently fall down an open manhole cover. Miraculously you will survive the fall only to find yourself in front of a purple door. If you knock you will be greater by a chorus of ‘There’s somebody at the door, there’s somebody at the door’ before its opened by Rod Hull and Emu. They will proceed to wrestle you to the ground in a flurry of feathers before Rod in a fit of pique tries to operate you like Emu. In the resulting chaos a passing Orville The Duck gets tarred and feathered whilst Nookie Bear goes on a bender with Sooty forcing Sweep to do unspeakable acts with a feather duster.
Those born under the Fridge sign are by nature cold calculating individuals, today is the chance to thaw out a little when you will be offered the opportunity to become a professional fire eating bellydancer to perform in the background during the Queens Christmas speech. Deciding to pep it up a little you will be asked to do the notoriously difficult Back Bending Triple Flame Fan With Squat Thrusts which you must achieve with the utmost decorum befitting a speech and without removing the Queens eyebrows.
Today you will decide to whiste a jolly tune, unfortunately anybody whistling today will be unaware that the sound will attract meteorites because of the Super Moon effect we had lately and you will be immediately flattened by a two foot piece of moon rock. All they will find left of you is an odd shoe, that’s why you see so many around especially at bus stops.
Try to have one day a week were you stop walking sideways and nipping people as you pass.
A born traveller you will get a surprising visit from a time traveller whilst buy a packet of biscuits who will offer you his time travelling sausage. As you grip the sausage you feel a tingling sensation run up your arm before passing out and waking up in 455AD. You are a Roman Centurion, you soon discover that the packet of Chocolate Hobnobs has travelled with you and you dish them out to acclaim, your last Hobnob buys you the role of Caesar and you are eventually stabbed to death with sharpened Custard Creams by jealous rivals.
Ruh-Roh Raggy! What’s up Scooby old pal? Rikes! Prone to snack eating disorders you will need to watch you weight this week. Spend plenty of time at the gym on the new machine they have until you feel sick, they have filled it with Mars bars and Snickers so it shouldn’t be a too painful workout. Zoinks!
Avoid making discisions and using excessive amounts of toilet paper, it’s a day of frugality and uncertainty until dinner time when your front door will be smashed down by a naked Des’O’Connor riding a sit on lawnmower. He will drive through your house and up the stairs ripping up the carpet on his way. With a cheery goodbye he will crash through the bedroom window, you will watch in horror as he is joined by Ken Dodd with a Flymo and they both proceed to sing the tongue twister Ken Dodds Dad Dogs Dead to the tune of Three Blind Mice whist ploughing through your flower beds. All in all an uneventful day with nothing to write home about.
The mists have again descended and all is quiet. Enjoy your future!