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6:00am – 8:30am GOOD MOANING BRITAIN

Join us as we greet the morning with lots and lots of miserable moaning punctuated by miserable news items and the occasional uplifting moan about stuff in general. Presented annoyingly by smiling presenters in various states of fashion failures and featuring a selection of celebrities, and I say that in its loosest sense, who come along to flog a film, book, fitness DVD or some other assorted tat now we are on the rundown to Christmas. Expect more frippery and televisual lobotomy as we approach the festive season.

9:30am – 11:00am The Jeremy Vile Show

Oh Lordy, another airing of dirty laundry by the general public hosted by a goading presenter out for kicks. Check out the teeth, see if you can spot enough to make a full set. Today’s episode features a paternity case to find out if Dave has fathered twenty six miniature piglets by seven different sows, something he denies as he was already having an afair with a Shetland pony at the time. Tomorrow’s episode ‘Holding Out For A Management Position Whilst On The Dole’

11:00am – 12:00pm Don’t Get Done, Get Dome

Been ripped off? Taken for a ride by large companies? Charged too much for too little? Yeah, so have we, sucks doesn’t it? Here’s a program that offers the same service and gives you nothing in return for an hour out of your life.

12:00pm – 1:00pm Bargain Hunter

Join us in a fruitless quest by two couples as they try and make a bit of cash whilst useless antique dealers protective of the way they make their own money offer them useless advice and crap choices to ultimately leave them disappointed or elated with a £3 profit. Hosted by a self styled celebrity antique dealer with certain, how shall we say, selection of annoying habits and chats to the camera. At least we have lost ‘Cheap As Chips’ from the catchphrase. Prepare for a slow and agonising hour of feeble entertainment.

1:00pm – 2:00pm – Small Animal Hospital And Addiction Clinic

Over the top entertainer lavishly presents the harrowing scenes at a large vetinary surgery in the hope of making edge of your seat entertainment with tears. True, there are indeed tears but it’s mostly from the realisation that somebody is being paid to flounce about with a loud voice around helpless animals. At least we can turn him off.

2:00pm – 3:00pm – Sixty Minute Makeupover

Filmed over the course of an entire day this carefully edited program offers the illusion of completely decorating key areas of you house seamlessly with a happy group of people all joining in. Try this yourself and it will take you an hour just to buy a tin of paint from the DIY store to which when you return home you will think sod this for a game of soldiers and watch this program instead. Armchair DIY if you like that kind of thing, still on the other side is some changing room thingy with that flowery Laurence Bowtie bloke which I met once and allowed him to completely ignore me as he thought I was one of his staff.

5:00pm – 6:00pm Flogging It

Jesus, not another bloody antique and auction program how did we get so bloody many? I’m sure I have seen most of the antiques on other programs before. I bet the antique dealers are laughing down their sleeves. ‘Oh, not that bloody figurine again! How much did we say it was worth on Antiques Roadshow? £50 you say? Pretend to know something about it then point out something that is wrong to lower their expectations, I’ll make sure they only get half at auction. I have a buyer in America that will pay £££’s for that!’

7:00pm – 8:00pm Strictly Come Prancing

Over analysis of a seriously over played dancing competition that lost its sparkle some time in the late 80’s. This new resurrected program offers a lifeline to crumbly ex-celebrities and new ‘known for nothing in particular’ celebrities as they take the road to career failure. Expect most to pop up embarrassingly on other reality shows along the way. Cringe at the choreographed carnage and tight costumes, gasp as previously respectable people nutcracker and jive their way uncomfortably in full HD for your pleasure.

8:00pm – 9:00pm I’m Not Quite A Celebrity Get Me In There

Oh dear, dear, dear. We have got to the bottom of the barrel and it’s not very nice. This years lineup has a token newsreader, some kind of rap artist to do with striding and, and, and, no, sorry I don’t know anybody else. Expect the public to pick on somebody in particular to eat testicles, there will be arguments about food and a bit of semi-nakedness thrown in to help. They will all have to wear silly Australian hats for the promotional photos and cry uncontrollably when they win. I am SO looking forward to it this year, I’m not watching it.

9:00pm – 10:00pm Mastercheffy

It’s supposed to be the professionals version, unfortunately some are professionals in a different profession. It’s just not the same with Bear Gryllis, er I mean Markus Wearmeout hosting it. He’s like a manic hobo and Harmonica has started to wear square glasses so she looks like Evil Edna from the children’s program Will’o’the Wisp. Egg Wallace however still likes puddings so at least something never changes. Did you watch it last night? I had to whizz past the preparation of the bird as I was eating a pickled egg at the time.

11:00pm – 6:00pm

Various channels of gambling, filth, telesales and phone in flirting for your pleasure. What have we come to? Television used to be informative and programmed to get the best out of the viewing public. It was governed by a strict code of conduct that produced some of the best television in the world. Unfortunately we will no longer sit with our children to view Watch With Mother, be entertained by well written family entertainment like the Good Life or laugh along to double acts that earned their place on our television screens through good old fashioned talent and hard work unless it’s a repeat or indeed watch a documentary that dosen’t recap every five minutes and include ‘dramatic footage’ manufactured for effect.

Today’s TV Guide has been bought to you by More Choice Less Satisfaction Ltd, established 1990.

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