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The News In Pictures

Strange lights puzzled motorists last night on the A38 as reports came in of blinding flashes of light shooting feet into the air. It was later revealed to be a case of Assigniting, the new craze sweeping the nation of igniting your own gases to the tune of ‘I Should Be So Lucky’ by Kylie Minogue. A spokesman for the singer denied any responsibility for the new craze but apologised for the record ever being recorded. A later statement also apologised for ‘Locomotion’ and asked for three other songs to be taken into consideration.

This was the shocking scene at Tesco’s self service till today as shoppers angrily tried to scan a new range of finest beef steaks only to find they contained Brontosaurus meat. Several shoppers were injured in the carnage and the fight spilled out on to the street where Tokyo was laid to ruin and several famous world landmarks were destroyed in the process. ‘I have never seen anything like it’ one startled shopper said. ‘One moment it was calm and then this eight tentacled mother of three started kicking off and throwing shopping trolleys through the windows.’

In a dramatic move away from footwear Crocs latest fashionable accessory is the Crocodokey all in one, available in a range of colours this trendy item will be gracing some of the finest catwalks in the world before coming to a store near you. It’s full range includes Kiddycrocodokey, a smaller child friendly version with working teeth.

the iDesperate was launched this week in a last ditch attempt to help flailing company profits after the dismal reviews of its latest phone. The iDesperate contains your own portable survival unit completely cutting you off from having to communicate with real people. Facebook, Twitter, Vine and many other social media networks are directly wired into your personal helmet, the chest fitting GPS charts your movement and also acts as a handy camera to photograph meals, cats and assorted mildly amusing stuff. Shown here with optional extras such as the Power Mitts and lunchbox attachment it goes on sale at the end of this week priced at just £9999.

Beards are back! Suave, sophisticated and gentlemanly beards are set to be this summers hot look for men and women alike. British people have a distinct advantage with the majority of them having shocking teeth to poke through. You can see from this candid picture above as actress Barbara Trollop positively swoons over Ken Diddlys new beard, his teeth gently tickling her ears.

There was a stern warning from the park authorities this morning about the hazards of feeding white bread to ducks. Additives in our daily bread are proving incompatible with our wildlife and turning them into squat axe wielding wingless freaks capable of removing limbs with one swipe. Minutes after this photo was taken the photographer could be found running rings around the local pond pursued by six of these monstrosities, he was later found on a bench babbling incoherently about thick cut toast. A spokesman said ‘If you hear a duck quack, run, they have already seen you.’ He further warned against approaching ducks with anything other than approved duck feed. ‘We have already seen horrific scenes in parks up and down the country, don’t become a casualty, check your feed. One lady fed a piece of whole meal to a duck in London and was immediately set upon and hospitalised.’

That’s it for today’s news, call back tomorrow for more drivel.


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