Look closely at the above picture, notice anything odd? Well it’s a boring picture of two ovens only you may notice a bit of green inbetween and an inch long piece of greenery in the top glass portion. I have highlighted them to help.
It’s actually part of my ‘Let’s throw random stuff at Mr Smith’ day when a quick blast of the microwave on a few asparagus sticks led to one inexplicably rolling down the tray and into a small gap so it became wedged firmly between the outer glass and the inner glass. Opening the door part of the stalk was chopped away hence the debris underneath. It stood mocking me, it was like one of those tricks where a magician throws a card at a window and it appears on the inside only this time I did the trick and I haven’t the foggiest how to do it again. Or how to get it out for that matter.
No, really, I mean how? I run my fingers underneath but could feel no gap, nor could I see one. A bit of a prod with a satay stick and still I was none the wiser. This is silly I thought to myself, there must be a way to get it in there so on that premise thought I would try and do the same thing again so I could work out what happened.
Well something happened, it got taller as the new bit of asparagus gave it an extra shove through the nonexistent gap so now I had a couple of inches waving back to me and a second piece of asparagus somewhere in cooker limbo.
Roll back two hours and you will find myself and Jayne just entering a small cafe for a coffee, it’s a regular haunt and our favourite seats had just become available so in we swept and sat down. ‘Two coffees please and a nice farmhouse scone’ what a treat!
‘Did you see Turner? I didn’t know what to make of it, I once had an introduction to art by the council and it was run by somebody awfully well known in the art world that once exhibited locally. I’m sure you know who they are, they paint landscapes.’
‘Was it dear old Emma Truffington-Snithe? She once did a watercolour of the old mill, she’s classically trained you know but struggles even though she is incredibly well known.’
‘No dear, I don’t think so, this talented young lady was specially selected to make a ceramic ring piece for lady Snottingsbury Ponce, she showed me her ring piece mouldings, they were quite exquisite. She’s well known in the art world you know.’
Err maah gaaad! Out of all the places to stop and have a coffee, out of all the times we could have done this we had ended up next to two elderly ladies that enjoyed nothing else but spout off about art, who they had met and how well known in the art world they were, how to critique art and generally chatting about not respecting anybody or anything that hadn’t come out of the RA because as they gleefully put it It’s not worth respecting as it’s normally created by philistines and amateurs with delusions of grandeur, not to mention they are mostly commoners without education.’ I sat listening, it was hard not too such was the volume and it was most saddening to hear such stilted views. Anyway I got up and pulled their chairs from under them sending them crashing to the floor before pouring coffee in their handbags, adding a wee spot of milk and asking ‘one sugar or two’
‘It’s for the RA darlings, I’m doing a performance piece’ I added. They thanked me profusely for including them and I gave them my name as Tracey Emin. Balance returned we exited with a practiced arty flourish.
Actually I sat there and shook my head and thought about dinner instead…
So two hours later I was fishing around in a non arty way trying to work out how to get asparagus out of an oven. I opened and closed the door in puzzlement, placing my fingers just about where the asparagus disappeared I slowly closed the door.
‘Owwww!! Jayne! Jayne! It bit me!’ The door had indeed got a bite, just about three quarters shut a gap appeared under the hinges which was small enough to let things escape but also suddenly snaps shut again. I expected to see a row of finger ends behind the glass as I pulled free my sore paw instead with the gap found I continued to waste my life by working out how to remove the glass or at least create some kind of tool to help fetch it all out, it was either that or watch the asparagus decompose over the next month everytime I warm up a cup of hot chocolate.
See, days can be so instructive, insulting and interesting and I have to still get that dam asparagus out of its glass prison so on that note and in the spirit of today I’m also off to try and lose carrots down the back of the fridge and to trap my head in the pedal bin, such fun!