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Soz About Derek

Drunk Derek, he’s a bit stuck in his ways…

I tell you what’s wrong with this country, it’s those bloody loom bands. In my day there were called rubber bands and came in more man sizes than the fluorescent rubbish you get today. Can you imagine using one of those loom bands to secure the thumble grip on the carburettor pipe of your Austin Allegro, no, I didn’t think so, you know as well as I do you needed a quarter inch thick, brown parcel band, the type that would take yer thumb off if you stretched it wrong. Bring em back I say!

And while yer at it what’s this bloody interweb I keep hearin ’bout? It’s all smoke and mirrors if you ask me and just one big con, in my day if you wanted to tell somebody something you went out there and bloody told them. I remember it took me nearly three hours to walk around banging on fifty friends doors to show em a picture of what I had just eaten and I got no likes. Not like today, it’s like this and like that, oh, look at what I’m doing. Bloody show offs if you ask me, if anybody did that in my pub they would get a good clip around the ear, how would they LIKE that eh?

What happened to the phone? You knew where you were with a dial but today we have these touchy screen things and small buttons and you know why that is don’t you? It’s lack of excercise I tell you! I cannot tell you the amount of excercise I used to get using a dial phone, just dialling one phone number used to take five minutes and that five minutes of burning calories, there was none of this fast food around when I was young, no, we had to make do with fish, chips, sausage, mushy peas, steak pie and gravy covered in batter bits from the fish and chip shop, none of the fattening stuff they eat today. And we ate lard.

News used to be on the television at six’o’clock precisely, you knew where you were with that. Now news can occur anytime and it’s just not on. Everything should happen at six just like the old days, so you knew if you were at home watching it at six you were safe from the news as it was happening as you watched. We had strict timetables for everything in those days and buses ran on time and bus stops were more than ten paces away from each other, doctors looked old and policemen thought nothing of clocking you one with their truncheon if you asked them the time.

Everybody smoked, even dogs smoked whilst cats chose pipes and we grew up ok. Squirrels however prefered cigars and that’s why there was so many fires, you see they discarded their matches carelessly that’s why they bury their nuts, it’s a habit they should employ with their spent matches. Ban squirrels from cigar shops before it’s too late.

I’m off to the bog, don’t touch me pint or i’ll av ya!


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