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Slip It On

M&S, Sunday, ladies department, pyjama (or jimjams) section where two men were deciding on what to buy their ‘missus’ in an ever increasingly exasperating exchange of hints and tips.

They pick up a dressing gown, not any dressing gown but a big fluffy one with a fake fur collar. I on the other hand was nearby passing time as Jayne fondled various night attire in a quest for something soft and comfy, a task that takes on a degree of seriousness if questioned, especially if I suggest something ‘looks nice’ as that usually gets a swift ‘you’re kidding, it looks hideous’, obviously fashion is not my strong point. So you usually find me ambling around agreeing with any statements regarding look, feel and colour occasionally stroking items randomly to find out what all the fuss is about until I realise that I have just touched some underwear with a vacant almost dribbling smile on my face in front of a passing family who hide their children’s eyes and turn away in disgust.

Anyway, back to the scene…

‘What about this?’ said A, ‘it’s got fluff on it.’

‘Does she like fluff?’ Replied B, ‘Dunno, what’s it for?

‘It’s for if you go out like, you know, outdoors.’

‘What, to the shops?’

‘Yeah, it keeps yer head warm, anyway what do you want to get her that for she will only sit around in it.’

I stifled a snigger and tried to think of just what else exactly you would expect from a dressing gown if not to sit in it.

‘What colour? The whites nice.’

‘Don’t buy white, that tart next door will have white, get purple it looks classy. Anyway it matches your missus cheeks.’

?!? I was positively bursting, suddenly our impromptu shopping spree had turned into comedy blogging gold.

‘Give it here, look, it’s poly Easter, she will love it.’

‘Will it fit? I don’t know what size she is.’

‘Buy large, she isn’t small.’

‘Should I try it on?’

It’s about now I wished to interfere and explain that even if they tried it on the likelyhood of being the exact same size, build etc of your wife is extremely slim and even if you was maybe it would be a better idea to get a special Christmas receipt just in case and under no circumstances ever make an assumption that you need to buy large no matter how correct you are.

He tried it on.

It was like hanging washing on a donkey, it looked awful, camp, slightly slutty and above all strangely attractive to his friend.

‘Looks champ, try the slippers on.’

Eagerly his friend returned with some sparkly pink fluffy footwear and placed them at his feet as one would Cinderella, kicking off his shoes he deftly slipped in his feet and strode over to the mirror. From behind he didn’t look bad from a ten pint kind of view, from the front he looked like a poster outlining the after effects of smoking crack.

Unfortunately I had to then move away which was incredibly lucky as I was about to wet myself, so I left our cross dressing present buying jimjaming pair arguing over slipper colours and moved on.

I’m sure scenes like this will be repeated up and down the country as men go into panic buying and make the unfortunate mistake of entering a lingerie department trying to find a present to please. Here’s a free hint, if you find yourself doing this remember, it’s not all about you, move along, away from that thong or suspender belt and go home. Listen to your other half, try and work out what they would really like this Christmas, you never know it may be something just as simple as an attentive you.

Failing that I have seen a cracking baby doll nightgown in pink, they have got large too, it looked great in the mirror as I tried it on in BHS. Just watch out for security, it’s difficult to run in slippers and it ruined my makeup too.


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