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Old Wives

My name is Mad Martha Mumsy Mergatrude and I’m in charge of the blog today to tell you a few home truths about old wives tales. They are all absolutely true, every single one so sit back and enjoy my eternal wisdom yawl.

Cracking Your Knuckles Gives You Arthritis

You may laugh but cracking your knuckles causes a chain reaction in your molecular makeup leading to excessive increases in toxins and vitamins A,B,C, Its easy as 1,2,3, as simple as do re me, baby, you and me girl. It may be a Thriller to do it but it’s Bad and Dangerous, my friend Billie Jean has never been right since, no matter how many times I ask the girl. I know you Don’t Stop Until You Get Enough but I Remember The Time Dirty Diana tried to Beat It, It’s not Black Or White and You Are Not Alone in believing that this is false. I married an Arthur Itus after cracking my knuckles so talk from experience. Unfortunately it didn’t work out and he went the same way as my other nineteen husbands, all who had unfortunate accidents whilst carving the Sunday joint with an axe.

Eating Crusts Makes You Hair Curly

I once ate the crust end of a Hovis farmhouse and my hair immediately curled into ringlets that were so tight I could bounce bricks off my head without injury. In fact to prove that crusts curl your hair I demonstrated this buy stopping a train head first, the train driver said it was like hitting a set of buffers. He then picked up his train, packed away the track and went home for tea but that doesn’t matter, it proved a point.

Don’t Pull Faces, If The Wind Changes It Will Stay Like That

What rubbish, I know plenty of ugly people. In fact I would be hard put to find anyone who isn’t pug ugly and it’s not down to the wind either. Ugly people have ugly kids, it’s as simple as that. Now I have said it I bet you were all thinking it. I’m no looker, I fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, half way I thought they said gin so I ordered a double and that’s how I got this chin. The only wind that changes faces is bottom wind, I once bottom burped and turned an entire bus queue into a gurning contest. Best pickled egg I have ever had, nobody could beat bottom burps like that I was so proud.

An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Damn right it does, you just got to be accurate when you throw it.

If You Blow Out All Your Birthday Candles In One Puff Your Wish Will Come True

I tried this once, I wished I could do this every year and it came true.

It’s Bad Luck To Walk Under A Ladder

Absolutely true, I once walked under a ladder and was hit by a bus, at least I think it was a ladder, it may have been a bridge come to think of it. Oh, and I wasn’t walking, I was staggering because of the amount of gin I had drank. Never walk under a ladder without first climbing the ladder to check with whoever is up the ladder that they are aware you are walking underneath. I once did this and was told by a rather irate fireman that I was endangering his life and being obstructive, how rude! The building wasn’t mine, I don’t care if it’s on fire I just need to know if it’s safe to walk underneath, I thought they are supposed to help people?

If You Spill Salt Then Throw Some Over Your Shoulder To Avoid Bad Luck

I once spilt some salt accidentally and was escorted out of the supermarket for throwing a box of Saxo into aisle three. How was I know that it was supposed to be just a pinch you threw, anyway she was in the way and ugly, apparently she also had memory loss when she regained consciousness so I suppose this is right, I threw my bad luck away and she caught it. Who knew!

Photos Of Tapirs Should Only Be Hung Facing A Window To Bring Good Luck

You also have to make sure their noses point towards a door to help with the good karma that Tapirs bring into the house. Live Tapirs especially in the downstairs toilet are excellent good luck charms and also chase unwanted guests from your house.

Hope yawl enjoyed that, tomorrow I will tell you about Uglyitus and how it affects 99.9% of the population.

Bye yawl, take care!

 

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