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As of today you are no longer obliged to have a man with a flag walking in front of your motor vehicle but you must have with you at all times a spare starting crank should your 10cc engine fail on the public highway.

Motorway speeds will be reduced through the midlands area to sixty miles per hour in an attempt to cut pollution despite no information to back up the claims. Already we have lowered the speed to fifty miles an hour for twenty miles whilst we prepare the hard shoulder so when it goes back up to only sixty you shall be bloody well grateful.

It’s nice to see so many of you already enjoying our ‘no indicator’ policy, please continue to not indicate when turning or overtaking. Big lorries take note; you are also allowed to swing out after a brief flash of an indicator to hold up traffic on the motorway for a minimum of two miles when overtaking.

Tax discs are no longer required, instead we shall be using number plate technology to check your details just like the one in the local car park that gets letters mixed up and fails to recognise N’s before sending out fines for none existent vehicles that you own. Oh, whilst we are at it we will also sell your details from the electoral register now that local authorities have two registers and if you would like your name and details removed from the one we are allowed to sell please write to us and give us a further three months to press the delete key.

Children’s toy cars now fall under the new Tax Scheme and will require not only road tax but also full insurance coverage for all children playing with them.

MOT’s will now include a cup holder count, any car that fails to hold a full round of McDonalds AND McFlurries AND does not have a special apple pie cooling rack will have to undergo further retests after modification.

All journeys made with Sat-Navs are recorded and shared with insurance companies although I don’t think we are allowed to leak that bit of information to you all yet. Apologies.

The Google Streetview camera crew has been given permission to enter every house in the country and photograph the interiors along with the owners. This is for the new Google Homeview being launched in 2015 as your privacy (ha!) finally disappears. Special bathtime cameras will be permanently installed in all bathrooms ready for Google Fruityview in 2016.

Mobile scooters will have to be able to prove they are roadworthy by jumping over two double deckers with a full load and riding on two wheels to fit down narrow alleyways.

Unicycles will have to be fitted with stabilisers before being allowed on the motorway after the incident of Coco The Clown on the M25 when he attempted to juggle at the wheel. Just past the Dartford tunnel he dropped a ball and lost his balance careering into two other unicycle clowns that were throwing custard pies at a pantomime horse. It created a mess that witnesses described as funny. Lions had to be bought in to control the crowds that had gathered to watch, the first two cars that turned up to remove the clowns lost both doors and a bonnet in the space of a few minutes before spraying water and bouncing up and down on over inflated tyres.

Finally a true story; Bus drivers, when an old lady is trying to make her way up the bus and you keep starting and stopping making her stumble from side to side and falling into passengers laps please refrain from referring to her as, and I quote ‘like Stevie Wonder trying to leave a strangers house’

Enjoy your new paperless tax system on our overloaded website, normal overcharged poor service will be resumed shorty after we have finished counting all the pennies.



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