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Why does fizzy pop come in recyclable bottles that have un-recyclable lids and labels?

Oh no! It’s The Moaning Lisa!

Morning Lisa, how are you today?

Same as yesterday and the day before and the day before that, miserable, you can’t even measue how miserable I am.

Okay, let’s leave that shall we, nice weather we are having.

It’s bloody awful, we have had no summer, no rain, no anything just endless days of grey miserableness followed by plenty of misery. Give me a good rainy day anyday, at least then I’m miserable for all the right reasons.

Don’t be like that Lisa, cheer up!

Cheer bloody up? You sit here and watch the world rot, only this morning the news is full of stories about self service policing, taxing the over forties more and other untold misery that’s going to make me miserable, plus look at me, I have been sat in this ridiculous pose for hundreds of years and hung in a gallery so people could stare at me for days on end.

I have to sit near that irritating Laughing Cavalier with his endless jokes and merriment, makes me want to be sick. What with that and the Girl With A Pearl Earring preening herself endlessly it’s like living in a bloody nightmare. They moved me once.

Where did they move you to Lisa?

They put me across from The Scream, you know how hideous that was! People don’t realise it’s not a scream either, it’s actually a yawn. A yawn from boredom at being drawn so badly. Made me scream I can tell you. It was bad enough watching the tonsil gymnastics of The Kiss but when they brought in that obscene Birth Of Venus I nearly threw myself off the wall in disgust. And what the hell is Son Of Man all about with that bloody floating apple, I think allegory, it’s more I’m off me tits love. Artists? Arseists more like.

Do you have a favourite painting?

Yes, only one though.

And what’s that Lisa?

That picture of those two farmer people with a pitchfork, American something, I forget.

And why do you like that one?

Because they are miserable. You can see it in their faces, it’s like someone has taken a dump through their letterbox and I like that.

What are you going to do today?

Seriously? I’m a goddam painting what do you expect me to do all day? Attend hula classes or go on a wine tasting course? No, I’m going to sit here and watch a load of jolly arseholes stand in front of me and say ‘I wonder who she was’ and ‘It’s smaller than I thought’, I tell you. Just ask Derek over there how boring it is.

Who’s Derek?

Him over there in the Persistance Of Memory, the chap using a melting clock as a sheet. Bored of out of his tiny mind he is. He used to stand all the time but in the 70’s boredom had set in and he decided he was going to have a duvet day, he’s not got up since. Anyway I’m off now.

Why, where are you going? You can’t just leave like that!

Yes I bloody well can, have you seen the party over there? The Last Judgements been hung last night and it’s not stop debauchery, I’m up for some of that!

THIS HAS BEEN PART TWO OF ART HISTORY FOR THE UNDER FIVES, TOMORROW DISCOVER CLASSIC NOVELS WITH THE UNABRIDGED LADY CHATTERLEYS LOVER FOR THREE YEAR OLDS PART OF OUR GROW UP EARLIER AND DISREGARD YOUR CHILDHOOD RANGE.

 

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