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Lizzie Speaks

Now that we have bally well got that awful day out of the way, I should really get overtime working on Christmas Day, it’s time to get into that real festive spirit and as usual I will be playing Santa my loyal subjects and dishing out Knighthoods and OBE’s like I’m shelling peas. This year I’m going to spice it up a little with a new outfit to make me rad and sick with the kids, old Queeny still knows how to dig it and break some moves.

Eat, sleep, rave, repeat, eat, sleep, rave, repeat, I’m just dancin, I’m just dancin and on and on and on.


This is the first one I tried but it seems a bit too traditional, after all who except old Phillip has eyebrows like that although I do like the traditional ho,ho,ho, one just needs to bring it up to date and add the word ‘bitches’ on to the end. The hat nipped my barnet a little and the beard made from cotton wool balls looks a little too ballsy. Oh well, flunky bring me the next one you minion.

For gods sake, how old? I look like Captain Birdseye I’m handing out MBE’s, OBE’s not bloody fish fingers. Who’s it modelled on anyway, it better not be that Brucie chap. Next!

Ahh, now this is better, the miserable monarch look, one would think someone took a dump in my handbag. I could issue a new honour, I shall call it the CBA’s, I know plenty of people who CBA’d including that Cameroon bloke that pretends to run the country. Although I have heard a rumour that Wombles are returning to the UK starting with great uncle Bulgaria. On second thoughts that beards going to itch and the bum fluff under my nose looks a bit tawdry. Jeeves, bring me the next one.

Whooah! I’m like a snowball with glasses, I want to look sassy and classy not look like I have been surprised by Rudolph’s cold nose whilst I was bent over tying my boots. Come on, bring the last one in.

That’s it, that’s the one, it even enhances my breasticles, the hats just right and the beard is neither too big or too small, it’s perfect. I shall wear that and whilst we are at it I will no longer give out medals and knight people with a sword, instead they will all get pin badge that says ‘I met Queenie, what have you done today?’ and a £5 voucher that can be spent in store at the Buckingham Palace gift shop. The sword is a different matter, I will change it to something I once saw in a shop window called a 30” Dominator that looks a lot more fun and comes with attachments, it was purple too.

I shall finish it off by saying ‘Going once, twice, all in and fair warned!’ To which they shout ‘money!’ I love Storage Hunters and it will look good on the news, I’ll get them to ‘make it rain’ so they feel like a stripper and the corgis can start wearing leather. Oooh, I’m so excited I’m frontin’

So that’s me sorted, I’m off to have a few mince pies and a venison kebab whilst I polish my crown and get down to the boogaloo. I shall top it off with a few glasses of sherry and WKD whilst Phillip pops down to the pub for a few pints of Fosters and a quick shandy followed by a fight and an argument with a corgi god bless him.

Lay back in yo slab pimps as one wishes one a dope new year in 2014 with plenty of bitchin’ bling and ho’s for makin’ it rain. I’m off to bang, bang a few knobblies and pop a sploot or two before taking a ride on the rainbow unicorn to troop my colour.


This has been a Christmas Message To The People From Queeny Lizzie II


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