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Kiplingisms

Mr Kipling,

It is with regret we must inform you that your employment with us is to be terminated. We find the use of cake based banter unacceptable in our facility. We are here to offer financial advice to our clients, offering to batten your berg is not a known financial term however it is used.

The final straw came when you offered to show a client your Viennese Fingers and then proceeded to fondle a pair of Cherry Bakewells when filling in a mortgage application. Finding you bent over a Custard Pie in the store room was, quite frankly, offensive.

Find enclosed your P45 and termination letter.

Mr Kipling

It has come to our attention that since you have been employed as a waiter you have started to become too familiar with some of our clients. As you know we run a high class affair, our clients expect nothing but the best service and restaurant food in the world, the last thing they want to be called is a French Fancy who goes like a Jam Tart. Describing Mrs Smyth as having Coconut Classics was I’m afraid a step too far.

Consider your employment terminated from the receipt of this letter.

Mr Kipling

We at Beds4U are appalled at your behaviour in our local store and wish to end your employment immediately. We pride ourselves on a prompt service and courteous manner in which we deal with our customers, your recent outburst regarding the benefits of our memory foam mattress which could take a good pounding in the Butterfly Cakes with a good Flapjack left me speechless.

Jo, is still off ill after you offered to take her up the Caramel Shortcakes with a Country Slice, an image she is still struggling to come to terms with.

Your employment is terminated herewith.

Mr Kipling

My Muffin is moist, you are just the Angel Slice for us. It won’t Apple Pie you to know we would like to offer you a job as Chief Executive of our ailing cake business, in fact we would love to use your Strawberry Sundae of a name to lead our brand into the 22nd Century.

P.S. You can batten my berg anytime you old Blueberry Muffin.

Mr Kipling Cakes (Formally Crumple Cakes Ltd)

 

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