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Hambulance

Hot on the heels of the announcement that Nottinghamshire is going to get an upgrade to its ambulance service to cope with patients reaching fifty stone the local takeaway restaurants have decided a leaflet campaign is needed to help us reach these lofty heights of blubber. This new Hambulance service will help to assure patients their needs can be met and they can eat all they like from the tempting stuff being pushed through the door.

In the last few days we have had no fewer that five through our letter flap in a new assault that may top the last flurry two years ago when we racked up twelve in five days.

My, there is some tasty offerings although I still haven’t worked out what Chicken Strippers are and fear to order them just in case a troop of naked dancing chucks parade up and down outside although I rather suspect the term ‘stripper’ is used to disguise the fact that you can’t tell from which part of the chicken the strip has been torn from.

There’s the usual fries, fries with an unspecified cheese, fries with fries and unusually a healthy option; fries with salad and cheese. This is where it gets a bit muddling, when you have chicken with fries the prices get all weird. One piece of chicken is £1.30, with fries it’s £2.60. For two with fries it’s £3.30, 70p for an extra piece but go a little further and have three pieces you pig and we will charge you £4.20, 90p for an extra piece, go above four and its £1.30 per extra piece. ??? Go figure.

Anyway nothing can match the mouth watering 1st Class House Special, call me picky but 1st Class and Special makes it sound rather special so I was mightily disappointed to find it was a large kebab. Not only that but this monster was created from lamb doner, chicken shish, lamb kofti and chicken kebab meat and came wrapped up in a monster naan. Even more disappointing was finding out that I could order the ‘chef’ (ha!) special at £2 more which was exactly the same but you got two naan breads.

I do love some of the creative names they give their food though, pizza seems to be the most creative with titles that really give little away. Here’s a few, see if you can guess the ingredients.

A) Maid Marian Special

B) Anannas

C) Popeye

D) Golden Vegi

Answers

A) Not sure if Maid Marian would have been happy with cheese, tomato, mushrooms, onions, sweet corn, peppers, mince (Urgh), pepperoni, tandoori chicken tikka. I for one would give her a wide berth after that and certainly would refuse her offer of playing Dutch ovens.

B) A fancy name for plain old boring ham and pineapple.

C) Your choice of toppings which completely fails to explain why it’s called a Popeye, answers on a postcard please to I don’t give a toss, PO Box 273, Hull.

D) Failing to see the golden element folks, it’s basically a standard pizza with peppers, pineapple (Ooo, golden!) and jalapeños.

Away from pizzas and even less appetising is the clinical Meat Tray which made me baulk as soon as I read it. I do like the ‘family’ meal though, a nice balanced diet of pizza, doner kebabs, chicken, fries, coke and of course a healthy salad ( two leaves and a tomato )

But enough of that as I have just spotted an unusual entry on another menu, this time from a Chinese takeaway. Chicken with Salt. Let’s think about that a while, chicken…with salt. Positively makes your mouth water but that’s ok as they also sell Double Happiness, I never knew it was so easy to find it. Even more mysterious is the Dragon Phoenix Sea Serpent, a speciality with no description, the takeaway equivalent of the Bruce Lee one inch punch.

That’s about enought I can stomach today, the menus are enormous and I’m sure they will go a long way to make sure that Nottinghamshire gets its money worth out of the new ambulances and equipment. I’m just waiting for my delivery, I can’t wait to tuck into my family meat tray doner pizza kebab cooked in salt and decorated with fries, cheese and chicken strippers, I can feel my arteries hardening already.

If you want to contact me this afternoon you will find me retching up in the nearest toilet.

 

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