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I awoke to the sound of a pig oinking as my beautiful farm clock struck 5am, I sat up and stretched putting on my Hammer Toe Strap to straighten my crooked toes and easing my feet into my all day memory foam comfort shoes, shoes so comfortable they could be slippers. My elegant Josephine unisex Kaftan slipped on easily and I puffed away on my rechargeable faux cigarette whilst my breakfast of bacon sizzled away in the microwave perched on a brand new microwave chip pan. No longer did I have to worry about running out of loo roll I thought as I sat on my raised toilet seat and looked affectionately at a special gift, my toilet roll holder that stored four rolls upright and required no drilling to install. Life was good like that.

I had a full day planned, this morning I was going to install those seat savers I ordered to eliminate my sagging sofa, install a new bathroom butler, I say install but the instructions say they are shelves that fit themselves and finally screw on that new attachment to the outside tap that will turn my useless one tap system into four in seconds, that tap multiplier really will get me wet. Which is a good job really as my multi pipe irrigation system for my low maintenance hanging baskets need plenty of water, thinking about it I could wear my Aerator Sandals at the same time to spruce up my grass with its 26 zinc plated spikes, better mind the hose though, not that it’s much of a problem now I have a no fuss put itself away one that never kinks.

For dinner I fancy some microwave chips in my brand new microwave chip pan which I will eat off of my adjustable lap desk. I’m not worried by the extra calories either, my sit down and get a work out eazy bend exercise bike will see to that, not that I’m going out anywhere I have mattress stains to remove!

I looked at my accurate to one second in 1,000,000 years radio controlled talking watch and checked it with the alpine army one on my other wrist, better get a move on I thought.

It’s quite surprising how fast time goes when you have things to do and now I’m sat full of chips cycling away at a comfortable 45 degree angle removing ear wax with my vacuum ear cleaner thinking of jobs for this afternoon. Pulling my companion table towards me I moved the remote control holster and pushed aside my big button easy phone just as the clock chimed duck. Ah, there it is, my tile grout pen, I could whiten those grotty areas that keep cropping up and install that cheeky folding shower seat next to my 33 percent longer mould free non slip bath mat.

Pushing my way through the practical bamboo curtains I have in each room and making sure my pest repellent force field digital pulse insect repellent were switched on I began having fun in the bathroom. Before long I had built up quite a sweat and sat down on my portable booster cushion as thoughts turned to tea time.

Chips it is in my brand new microwave chip maker, have I told you about it? It’s great, apparently it also cooks bacon and chips. Did I say chips before? Can’t remember, anyway have I told you about my microwave chip maker?

Can’t sit chatting dear I have to go to bed, the clocks chimed donkey and it’s way past my bedtime, I don’t normally stay up past goose and watch you don’t trip over the cordless robo sweeper on the way out. Did I tell you about my microwave chip pan?

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