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Welcome to Austerity Cinema, a new experience in cinema going. We bring you all the latest blockbusters direct from Cricklewood. Here’s our listings for the week beginning 20th March.

Toy Story 4 – In The Closet

The thrilling adventures of a hoop and a stick played out brilliantly in a small wardrobe. Contains no CGI anywhere and very little stop motion animation keeping it real. No voice actors required as toys don’t talk adding to the pedantic realism.

90mins PG – Contains excessive hoop beating and a small comb.

FILM NOW – ‘From the moment hoop appears its presence in screen is dominating…method acting at its finest…a must see!’

Jaws 6 – Gaping Gums

After knocking over a glass of water Arthur’s false teeth are freed to go on a rampage. Over two hours of nail biting tension as the bedroom is searched until armed with a cushion he corners the falsies and a final epic battle ensues.

124mins 18 – Graphic mastication.

FILM FOCUS – ‘I had to look away as Arthur’s toes became lodged in the molars…heart stopping action!’

Close Encounters Of The Fourth Kind – Smashed

A encounter with a flashing torch in his backyard sets a thrilling chain of events causing our intrepid hero to shape his mashed potato into a eight foot mound called the Devils Tower. Fifty five minutes into his epic build the mash tower collapses and the rest of the film is spent digging him out. Thrilling.

104mins PG12 – Contains potato related injuries some people may find distressing.

FILMS-4-U – ‘The collapse of the potato tower is suitably climatic after the build up with the gravy boat…pure genius!’

Italian Job – The Request

A fly on the wall documentary at a well known pizza restraurant as we follow its employees deal with a request for a Supreme with no cheese. Riveting stuff.

84mins 18 – Contains scenes of mild meat feast peril and one expletive not unlike feck.

FILMS-R-US – ‘Eat before you watch…a veritable chewfest!’

Die Hard 6 – Die Trying

Pitched battles between Stan and hundreds of seagulls on Skegness beach as they send wave after wave to take the flake from his 99.

72mins U – Mild scenes of excessive bird pooping.

FILMS-2-GO – ‘Watch carefully around thirty minutes in when a spotted gull swoops and takes the top inch off the flake…goes mental around ninety minutes when Stan looses it and starts throwing chips at them. Awesome!’

Iron Man 4 – ImPressed.

After dismantling the Corby trouser press in his hotel room Bert is left with the task of using his portable iron instead to remove the creases.

109mins PG12 – Contains nudity, sex, foul language, Hulk Hogan, Big Daddy, Ken Dodd and the Krankies.

FILMS-U-LIKE – ‘When Bert flies into a rage after realising the power cord is too short I nearly bust a gut laughing…take a spare pair of pants with you, you’ll need them! Super!’

Our regular Arthur Askey look a like competition will now be held every Monday night at 8pm whilst the Shunters and Bumpers club, our vintage steam engine society has been cancelled after making such a mess last week during the showing of a multi uncoupling and derailment film.

Don’t forget we now sell The Andre, a giant cup of popcorn containing a metric tonne, enough to see you through a good 90mins and the prefect accompaniment to our bucket slurpies, now containing more sugar than ever!

Don’t forget to visit our website at LOAD “BASIC”,8,1 and press return.


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