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Today I have decided to bore you and before you say I bore you everyday, today I mean it because I’m going to talk about fromage frais.

I have two staples to most meals I eat, fromage frais is one the other is low fat naan breads. The fromage frais doubles up as cream, butter, yoghurt and is used to make everything from coleslaw to curries. The low fat naan breads are a substitute for most bread, it has a lower impact on body weight and fills in the craving I have for the real stuff which piles on the pounds if I eat it. So these two items generally take front stage in our household so imagine my distress when I went to Tesco’s only to find out they have stopped stocking both.

It’s a new year, it’s a great time to kick start healthy eating, it’s diet heaven for consumers so why, oh why have they removed two core products? I investigated, although we have now spoken to seven members of staff ranging from the shop floor to management nobody can give an explanation other than ‘don’t know we just get what they send’ or ‘try tomorrow’. Finding alternatives is difficult as all the other healthy options contain significantly more sugar, carbohydrates or fat, indeed I sadly spent thirty minutes in Tesco’s looking through everything like some demented calorie counting idiot only to realise that really it’s not in their best interest to cater for health freaks like myself, I mean, we don’t consume enough food do we?

If you think that I’m rambling on about something that I should give a toss about consider this, they had also ran out of wine. Yes, one of their staple wines had again ran out, this is the fifth time in as many weeks, went to find an alternative and they had also ran out of wine carriers. What is it with all this running out of stuff?

Here’s something else that strange, last year we bought a laser printer that was on offer after getting fed up with the stupid inkjet refills costing more than petrol and eventually needed to buy a new cartridge. Guess what, they sell the printer but do not sell the cartridge refills, seriously, it was suggested that we buy the printer again as it came with a full set of colour cartridges and worked out cheaper then throw away the other printer. Let me get this straight, you don’t want me to buy a refil you want me to keep buying printers because it’s cheaper? OMG.

Anyway why am I writing this, oh, I’m writing this because of a conspiracy to get me to put on weight, buy more expensive booze and throw away printers every couple of months because they make more profit on them than the cartridges. Hang on, is there anything else?

Yes there is, sauce, brown sauce and tomato sauce. If you buy reduced sugar tomato sauce it costs more than the full sugar and get this, you get less. So to get healthy you need to pay more and receive less. Brown sauce at the moment is even worse, Tesco’s for some reason has stopped stocking the 850g bottles and now only stock the 450g bottles so instead of paying 33p per 100g you are now forced to pay 40p per 100g and buy twice as much to get the same amount.


I’m now forced to eat dust twice a week and ferment my own wine by straining pond water through socks filled with scavenged fruit. For brown sauce I mix gravy browning with sour milk, it doesn’t taste right but at least I’m not buying the condiment equivalent of liquid gold.

So today is a grumpy day especially as I have just read with dismay all the new technology coming our way, a washing machine that texts you, bedroom lights you control from your iPad, mood sensing televisions that will chose a movie depending on your facial expression and voice patterns.

Stop the world I want to get off.

And I want my money back.


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