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Towering Infertilizer

‘The pigs under the quilt again Mabel, you know what a mess he made last time, no amount of Daz is going to shift that stain.’

Mabel and Stan had decided to give up the rat race and try some of the good life. Being self sufficient in a council flat ten stories up does present it’s own hilarious problems for our happy couple…

‘I’m just going to muck the chickens out Mabel, the bathroom is starting to honk a little, although that may be down to the horse manure in the bathtub. Have you seen the shovel?’

‘It’s in the hallway, next to the horse, I left it there after digging over the veg patch behind the settee. I’m having all on with the goat, it’s only gone and ate the shower curtain, rings and all.’


‘Don’t worry, I’ll get it Mabel, it’s probably the rotivator I ordered, that lounge carpet needs turning before I put the fertiliser down’

Click, Stan opens the door.

‘Oh, hello, what can I do for you neighbour?’

‘Can you keep the noise down mate, I hearing some strange things from you at all hours of the day, what are you doing in there?’

‘Ah, sorry about that, it’s the sheep you see.’

‘Sheep? You have sheep?’

‘Yes, we make our own cheese, they have been a bit noisy I admit, it’s all down to the goat teasing them.’

‘You have a goat too? Really?’

‘They live in the bedroom, they shouldn’t make much more noise though we moved them in with the pigs.’

‘Unbelievable, you should be reported, the noise is appalling, the smell is quite frankly offensive. My tiger has started to pace the lounge and that is never good.’

‘You have a tiger?’

‘Yes, it lives in the lounge to keep it away from the zebra in the bedroom and that’s only in there because the bathroom is full of gazelles. Anyway, I hope you are not getting as bad as Roger in number 67, I had to tell him to keep the noise down last week, it was getting too much.’

‘Why, what was Roger doing, he’s normally quite quiet.’

‘It’s that bloody Walrus of his, ever since he converted his lounge into a twenty foot pool we have heard nothing but splashing and as for the penguins that keep running around the landing it’s getting annoying. I’m told he’s getting a dolphin delivered this week so looks like we are going to be treated to endless clicking.’

‘Well, I’ll try and keep the noise down a bit, fancy Roger having a walrus, a bit weird isn’t it?’

‘That isn’t the half of it, you know what number 73 has on the floor above?’


‘Haven’t you noticed the cracks in your roof and the loud roars late at night, or notice glasses of water to suddenly tremor?’

‘Well, maybe, I just thought it was to do with the bonfire I had last week drying the ceiling out a little too much.’

‘Well he’s only gone and put a Jurrasic Park in his hallway, you can’t bloody shift for Tyrannasaurus Rex’s and Pterodactyls. I told the council about it but they said they didn’t have any procedures to deal with prehistoric creatures in council flats unless it was a neglect case, even then they only have nets capable of catching a small dog. Bloody useless. Only last week Mrs Bundle was mugged by a Raptor, the whole things got out of hand if you ask me.’

‘Oh, I didn’t know that.’

‘Anyway mate, I have just heard my elephant call, he loves his sugar lumps. Just keep the noise down a little eh?’

‘No problem.’

Click, the door shuts.

‘Mabel, unbelievable, you will never guess what I have just found out!!’

‘What’s that Stan?’

‘Elephants like sugar lumps, who’d have thought it.’


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