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I don’t mind shopping and will happily trot around with Mrs Smith on the rare occasions that I am allowed out and about. I don’t mind dogs either but combine the two and well, it’s like oil and water.

Dogs when out shopping get bored, you can see that on their faces as they look around for something more interesting to do. That something is invariably me. Dogs have a inbuilt part of their instinct that tells them to treat at me like some massive chew toy. It dosen’t help that I am allergic to dog and cat hair so I never give them a customary stroke, this too irritates them beyond belief.

‘Oh wow!’ goes their brain, ‘He a non-stroker that looks fun and chewy!’ It shouts. ‘Well he’s never done that before!’ goes the owner as they drag their dog off my lifeless body. Only last month we were both walking in the middle of the countryside when from around a corner came a dog owner, she bent down and unhooked the lead on a big drooling black Labrador expecting it to go for a little run as usual. No, it thought, I fancy a bit of meat on the bone it thought as it ran like a Exocet missile straight into my groin then stood woofing and snapping at my heels. ‘Well he’s never done that before!’ came the same old, same old reply to which I wittily said ‘Get him off me!’. My jeans were covered in dog spit and I smelt of tinned chum.

It’s not just dogs that go berserk either, about four years ago we were walking along a beach when a horse rider came towards us. As it got closer the horse started to get a bit excited much to the distress of the rider, when it was really close it decided to show me it’s teeth and try to trample my fragile body into the sand whilst whipping me with its tail. What is it? Am I transmitting some kind of obscene dog/horse messages? Or do I have a annoying face? Don’t answer that.

Anyway, yesterday we were out shopping, I had already had the usual dog snarls and dogs purposely getting in my way trying to trip me up with their leads when I came across the worst possible dog for me, the shop dog.

Shop dogs are notoriously pliable in the hands of most customers but as soon as I step in they either follow me around sniffing, growl a little or purposely get in my way. This one decided to go full stretch at the top of a flight of stairs stopping me descending. No amount of pleading would get it to move, it was becoming most irritating as it just lay there looking back at me with ‘make me move you non-stroker’ eyes. The owner was preoccupied so I strolled over to look at some candles hoping dog would get bored and move along.


Dog was obviously wise to this and merely stretched a little longer watching me with half closed eyes. I idled around as long as was acceptable and decided to brave the stairs. I don’t like stepping over dogs especially when wearing shorts but really it was being a bit of a jerk hogging the top step. Holding on to the bannister I gingerly stretched over, I don’t know if you have ever tried keeping one foot further back than the top step and the other foot trying to reach two steps down whilst holding on to both banisters, all I know is that it’s bloody difficult and your lower bits dangle enticingly, not good when there’s a set of teeth under them.

And then when I was half way over he got up, the little sod got up!

Like a badly scripted play with scenes straight out of a comedy series my life became a farce again as the bloody dog took advantage of my stretched position to lick my leg in one stroke from my ankle to my groin!

Do you know how disgusting that feels? Doing the splits on a staircase whilst a random dog gets off on licking your leg, I’m sure some people would pay good money for that the perverts.

Jayne laughed and stroked the dog.

‘Don’t you say good dog! Don’t you dare!’

‘I won’t, what a clever boy!’ Said Jayne then added ‘See, I didn’t say good dog at all.’

Walking out of the shop we crossed the road and entered a vintage shop, as I walked in I was hit in the head by a small wooden building brick from a kids toy. Three over excited wretches of children were throwing them at each other and screaming the place down. It seems I have the same effect on children as I have with dogs and horses.

And that is why I have rabbits.


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