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My name is A.Bradshaw D.D, M.D, C.D, BA Hons L.O.L, T.I.T and I would like to open the space time portal in an attempt to explain this weekends last ever appearance for the artist previously known as Peter Smith, now to be known as ‘%’ in Cambridge. Although ‘%’ will be at Castle Galleries tomorrow, 21st December, 1-4pm, a free event where everyone is welcome I thought we would tiptoe through history to meet other unfortunate individuals with strange delusions.

To do this we need to get my patented CYCLOTRONic 1000, which uses capital letters to make it sound more awesome up to a cruising speed of 85mph. Hang on, I’ll just plug it in.

Here we go, 10mph…27mph…58mph…85mph! Prepare to turn yourself inside out anus first!

CRRRACK!!!!

1889 Miss Lydia Per’culiar – Poet

Well prithy thy traveller, I am Miss Per’culiar, poet extraordinaire and would adore to shower you with prose. My latest is called Love Sonnet Bonnet, a soothing tale of young passion and red hot crustaceans, I hope you like it.

“The boy stood on the windswept moors eating red hot scollops,

One dropped down his trousers and burnt him on his ankles.

Missed his b******s completely.”

AHEM! Let’s press that button and move on shall we? Whooooossshhh!!!!

1915 Arthur Lloyd Hardy – Comedian

How do! Come on my little chicks, How do!, I can’t hear you mother, one last time How do! Let’s get this bandwagon rolling and I’ll let you rub my washer board, likes a good scrub doesn’t it mother?

How do!

I say, I say, I say, what do you call a lady with two jugs?

I don’t know, what do you call a lady with two jugs?

You’ve got two jugs haven’t you mother, and nice jugs two, how do! You call her mother, how do! Can you hear me at the back, I can’t hear you laughing!

I say, I say, I say, what is the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

I don’t know, what is the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

One mucks around in fountains the other f**** around in mountains!

How do!

You there, yes, you at the front, is she always that ugly? How do!

AHEM, looks like we need to move on…WHOOOSHHH!!!!

1980 Miss Berber Cartwheel – Romantic Novelist

Hello dearie, I’m the award winning Berber Cartwheel author of 7264 novels of romanticism, inventor of the escapist romp and heavy duty make up wearer. You may know me from titles such as ‘I Can Ride One Of These For You’ and ‘Hurrah For Buns And Cheese’. My latest ‘Hold On, I’ve Half A Mind To Lug You Off’ is a steaming hotbed of passion set in a 18th century pie shop. Here’s a tantalising excerpt…

‘She took hold of his pasties and lifted them up to her face. He threw his head back to flick his hair suductively, a subtle accompaniment to his slow hip thrusts which grew all the more rampant as he fondled her steak and kidney pie. Slowly he stuck it in to her AHEM! let’s move on quickly, WHOOOOSSHHH!!!!

1950 Clarke Crooner – Las Vegas Singer

Well hello ladies, my name is Clarke, would you like a drink whilst you are waiting? Good, let me get you a large one, seems like I already have one here for you waiting.

How fortunate.

Do you know what a Las Vegas singer says first thing in a morning?

No?

Do you want to find out?

Here, let me brush that hair away from your face, it must have hurt.

You seem puzzled, all I’m saying is that it must have hurt when you fell from heaven.

Did the sun just come up or did you just smile at me?

Your place or mine, I’ll show you my mic stand…

AHEM!!! Let’s get out of here, our final destination, surely we can make sense of all of this! WHOOOSHHH!

1989 Dr Risland Bonce – Psychological Expert

In my medical opinion Peter is borderline insane and I urge you to see him at his last event tomorrow before I lock him up for good and throw away the key. I have even invented a new condition to describe his mania, it’s called Peteractuallyisatosserobia and affects less than 0.00000001% of the population, essentially Peter is the only sufferer although he regularly makes other suffer his infernal blog.

See you tomorrow at the final appearance and the last ever car park picnic!

 

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