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Your Horoscope For Today

The mists are clearing, the spirit world has spoken, I Ali Umbongo have spoken and the heavens have shown the celestial path and the gherkin of foretelling has sweet and sour predictions. Using careful study of the universe and no guessing whatsoever let the miracle begin…

Aries – A varied day ahead, you will be chased by a tribe of head hunters down the high street only to find a pound coin in the doorway that you use to hide. Boa constrictors will play some part in a chance meeting with your future partner in crime. Together you will mastermind a bungled bank job and receive a life sentence for using the word piano inappropriately.

Taurus – Your bull headedness will increase, by tea time you will have horns and a swishy tail. Avoid china shops, red items and gaily dressed individuals with pointy hats and swords. Oh, and circular arenas. Maybe a good time for a nose piercing.

Gemini – Now is the chance to expand your waistline. Being a twin theoretically means you have two stomachs and twice the metabolism so trough away guilt free safe in the knowledge that your spiritual twin will be taking all those calorie hits! I also predict that at some point today you will read this with your eyes open proving that all this is true. Believe my green gherkin hide, I tell the truth!

Cancer – A chance encounter with a vacuum cleaner and a donkey will catapult you on to next weeks X-Factor where you will be laughed at mercilessly as you try to sing Little Donkey in the style of Jay-Z. Miraculously after spilling the beans about your childhood upbringing full of deprivation and tales of living for years in a bin you get to go to boot camp. You then find out the real use for a donkey and a vacuum cleaner and it will take another thirty years of therapy to remove the mental scars of Tommy Walsh.

Leo – You will be petted by passersby until you remove somebody’s arm outside Greggs. After this you will need a lion down to get over it.

Virgo – Waking this morning from the dream you had last night of eating the worlds biggest marshmallow you will find your pillow has disappeared. Virgo is gentle and delicate and prefers to stand back and analyse before stepping in, you prefer the company of goats and the colour of hiccups, which of course is Burple.

Libra – With a star sign that sounds like a cheap alcoholic drink you are probably need a quick ‘nip’ to get you through the day. I don’t blame you really, today is a shocker. I f you could see what I could see, my god it’s really is going to be bad. Shockanory is one way to describe it. Good luck!

Impossimal –  You are a gentle person living in a gentle world, the fact that you have a rotund body, stripes, a long nose and no mouth pose no problems and you are perfectly capable of handling important items like macaroons, hearts and rabbits.

Scorpio – Today is nude day for all Scorpio star signs so shed those clothes and march proudly into work wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Be careful though if your occupation uses power tools, or hot water. Firemen and Policemen may, as a sign of their position, wear a helmet. However if you are a doctor you must remain naked and greet your patients with the words ‘Lovely to get the air round my flue, how can I help you?’

Sagittarius – After an early start your day your commute to work will involve several wilder beasts, a dachshund called Derek and a twenty seven piece orchestra. The works photocopier will only photocopy body parts which you will then send to Mystic Gherkin, PO Box 53536, Astral Plane 25, The Universe, for my perusal. Oh my! Please excuse the shaky typing.

Capricorn – Your guaranteed winning lucky lotto numbers are 23,14,17,1,2,9. *Guaranteed to win!! (*may take 52 million draws over many centuries but at some point they will win, you saw it here first!) The most gullible of star signs you will eventually work out why dogs can’t look up and why putting your finger in your ear when you swallow will cause your other ear to pop. Also beware, if you place your finger in your belly button and turn anti clockwise your bottom will fall off.

Aquarius – You will be banned from the swimming baths for urinating in the water after being caught by the attendant. Next time don’t do it from the side, wait until you get in. Further embarrassment will occur when you mistakenly ask at the hairdressers for a pullet rather than a mullet and up looking like a cock.

Pisces – Now is the time to take on a new challenge and become Le Petomane a professional flatulist – bottom wind performer to the stars. Amaze and shock your friends in equal measures as you skilfully recreate the bombardment of Port Arthur, a buzz saw, popping corks and the sound of a creaking door. End your performance by blowing out a candle from ten feet away with careful control.

The mists have fallen and the Mystic Gherkin is silent once again. Placed in its esteemed position at the back of the kitchen cupboard it will return to predict when Christmas will occur (sometime around the 25th of December) and the outcome of the world record attempt to place an elephant on a matchstick whilst it’s balanced on Mr T’s nose.


Anne Ole Joike – Singer, book for stag, club, parties. Own teeth.

B.D. Biddlesworth – Victorian Dad, hire for children’s parties. Makes sure children are seen and not heard. Specialities include balloon bursting, castor oil tasting and spanking. Comes complete with cane.

Emma Dreaming & Arthur White – Ideal for Xmas parties, for additional fee Chris Muss will attend to make a trio. Pixie dress optional extra.

Crap presenter required for old BBC car show, no time wasters or Chris Evans please. 

Sunday 21st June, Knickerbockergloria appears outside the Apple store in Chappelfields, Norwich for a game of ROAR, more details soon! @sapphire1dragon. #gogodragons2015 

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