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Your Handy Viewing Guide

Whilst waiting for Lost Alice to be released this weekend why not enjoy a spot of television with our handy cut-out and keep TV-Guide, I have been assured that quality programs are regularly aired although apparently not in this country.

***** Rating indicates how much to drink before watching. 

* A wee dram, ** Two pints and a Babycham, *** One bottle of Chablis and a Whisky chaser, **** One Tiger Blood, three Jaigermeister slammers, four jelly shots, a bottle of Stolly and a shandy, ***** Go to the supermarket and fill your trolley with as much alcohol as you can, return home and start drinking at 9am in the morning focusing on ten units an hour, by the time the program comes on your will be in the perfect state to enjoy it.

MONDAY

8:00pm BBC 1 The Great British Strip Off ****

Members of the public get to remove clothing in this new program combining cooking and exhibitionism in a game of strip baking. Judged by the Silver Stoat and Baking Goddess Barely Merry, contestants must create three fantastic tarts and remove clothes exotically to the latest dance tracks whilst host Perky Sue utilises the pole in the centre of the tent. 

6:30pm ITV On The Buses (R) **

Hilarious entertainment in this award winning fly on the wall documentary about Stan the bus man. Watch how he ignores bus stops, brakes quickly to topple old ladies and finally removes the upper deck after driving under a low bridge for a dare. WARNING : Contains scenes of a No.45 to Hull that accidentally drives through Mansfield (18+)

TUESDAY

7:00pm BBC 3. Dr Wooooo *****

Dr Wooooo faces his greatest challenge when a shift in the time space continuum places his toilet cubicle time machine in the centre of the Crossroads motel set. Watch as he battles Benny, has a spat with Amy Turtle and falls through the wall of room two only to reveal its all an elaborate set up to hide Crossroads real motive to sell antiques through the guise of Acorn Antiques masterminded by Miss Babs.

WEDNESDAY 

7:00pm until Christmas Day ITV 1, ITV 2, ITV 3 Z-Factor ******************

Prepare yourself for an onslaught of entertainment by watching something else but if you really must watch this episode lasts for four months so make sure you are on a alcohol drip feed. Highlights include sob stories about pet dogs, that’s about it really.

9:00pm FILM Masterchef Goes Bananas C4*** & a fruit cake

When Gorden Ramsical enters the kitchen and cooks a triple chocolate candy coated three foot high starfish with whipped cream and cherries Gregg Walnut takes one bite and writhes around the floor in ecstasy for the next 90 minutes before Jon Terroldio stabs Gorden in a jealous rage over the filleting of a stickleback. One to watch!

SATURDAY

10:00am The Keremy Jyle Show BBC2***** 

Wannabe celebrity guests compare teeth and fight with a chance of winning a prize of a full set of dentures courtesy of ChavChops, dentist to the stars.

7:00pm Strictly Come Prancing BBC1***********************************************

Sexy dancing, stunning sets with well known and cherished celebrities is what this show should be all about, instead get ZZZ listers that cavort and floob around a studio to provide embarrassing routines to slip-shoddy music whilst dads look at the skimpy outfits and mums lust after well toned bodies. 

1:00am TEST CARD BBC (Must Watch!)

Image result for test card

See if the noughts and crosses competition running since 1967 comes to a thrilling conclusion with clown just one ‘nought’ away from victory, will this be the night of nights? Highly recommended!

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