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Your 2015 Revealed

I see the future.

My predictions specially tailored for you are as follows.

January

The year will start quietly when an undetected meteor smashes into your home completely destroying your collection of gonks and several smurfs. Further meteors smash into the small town of Mansfield causing widespread improvements.

February

After a warm winter the sudden snowfall takes you by surprise and you open your door to thirty foot of snow, it’s only after several hours digging that you break through into the outside world to find that in reality only a 1inch covering had fell and the neighbours had collectivel tried to block you in.

March

You decide to treat yourself to a visit to a stately home. Half way round you accidentally break wind rather loudly and are embarrassed when a servant steps forward and says ‘I can hear you Sir, keep shouting and we will find you!’ Whilst another visitor adds ‘I’m sure I can hear elephants.’

April

Prices tumble in the supermarkets and petrol dips to 99p per litre, bank interest rates rise on savings but remain at nearly zero on borrowing. You wake up and realise it was all a dream and the £10 you borrowed from Wonga has now accumulated interest to the value of £16,253.24 a fact that is bought to your attention when two burly men with sledgehammers appear at your door asking for your kneecaps.

May

Barely able to walk out of hospital you are delighted to find out you have won the lottery. Unfortunately it was a lottery you never entered and after lengthy negotiations with a Nigerian prince to claim your lottery prize you fear he may not be legit either. Not to worry you still have plenty of singles in your area throwing themselves at you according to your emails. After replying and meeting ‘Derek’ a six foot builder who wears wigs and lipstick you wonder if they were legit too.

June

You go on holiday to a far off sunny place and by far off I mean Skegness and by sunny I mean only on Tuesday’s around 3pm for two minutes. You take advantage of the pleasure beach and ride the Wild Mouse roller coaster. Unfortunately halfway round the person sat next to you shows you a handful of nuts and bolts and asks you ‘Are these important?’ As you fly through the air over the pirate themed crazy golf course you notice that 99’s are now £2.50 each and have small flakes before crashing through the front of a teddy grabber machine. A passing tourist pops in 10p and immediately wins you. By the end of June you find yourself sat amongst a hundred other teddy bears on a bed.

July

Time for a new job so you apply for Creative Food Consultant with people skills, looking for a change of career you apply and get the job! Congratulations! Welcome to McDonalds, would you like fries with that? Dismayed you apply for Senior Management Controller in charge of hiring and firing. You get it, Congratulations! You read the description again and realise you misread hiring and firing, it’s actually wrapping and frying. Welcome to McDonalds, would you like fries with that?

August

You look for love and place a lonely hearts message in the newspaper. Yay! You get a reply and go to meet you date at the local restaurant. They don’t turn up so you read the letter again and weep quietly when you realise you actually answered your own lonely hearts thinking it was too good to be true there was somebody else like you out there.

September

You buy all your Christmas presents early because the supermarkets told you.

October

An uneventful month although you do get many enquiries on to where you got your unique and hideous Halloween mask from. You don’t own a mask.

November

Bonfire night! Such sparkles, bangs, bright lights, you see them all as you tumble accidentally down stairs. In a daze you wander into the bathroom to relieve yourself and struggle to sit on the toilet correctly as it seems rather high and uncomfortable, the toilet roll too seems rather large, bewildered and confused you return to bed. The next morning you find scrunched up kitchen roll strewn around the kitchen and some foul smelling liquid in the sink and all over last nights pots. In the garden you find an unexplored Bangboom Rocket Mk III wedged in the grass, as you approach it the first thing that enters your head is your backside as it unexpectedly explodes turning you inside out in the process. Dazed and confused you stagger back indoors and splash water over your face from the sink. You are immediately sick.

December

It’s Christmas! You are reminded of this every ten seconds by various renditions of Christmas classics. Weeping uncontrollably at the latest supermarket adverts you buy handfuls of chocolate treats and retire to a darken room with just the television for comfort. Christmas comes and goes and a quick tally of what you have consumed is equal to the consumption of a small country. Your bathroom scales will not accept ‘coach parties’ and you have to be weighed at a public weighbridge. New Year’s Eve you make several rash resolutions the worst being that you will stick to all your resolutions or at least make them stick until January 2nd.

Will 2016 be any different for you? Tune back in next January to Eric Accordians ‘Your Year’ 2016, it’s all true and anybody that thinks differently can complain by writing to Padded Cell 264, Madmystics, Abra, Cadabra.

 

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