Crapple are please to announce their new poundPad exclusively available from selected pound shop outlets. Made for the masses this sleek addition fits perfectly within budgets to give low income families the chance to own our superior products to enhance their inferior lives. We at Crapple believe that we can offer so little for so much time and time again by adding a number at the end of each product.
Don’t forget for only a £1 you can take advantage of our £1 per day high speed Ceefax and Teletext access for all the latest news direct from 1984 with over 998 pages to view you won’t get bored!
Let’s look in detail at the Crapple’s sleek swish design made out of the finest plastic.
Weighing only 263kg it’s light enough to be wheeled around using our additional wheelBarrow (RRP £399) and small enough at 10cm x 6cm to fit in your pocket. The display is a four colour LED setup with stunning picture brilliance allowing you to watch movies on the move at full HD quality (Please note, films must have been made before 1932 in black and white for the full cinema experience. HD refers to oH Dear and should not be confused with other HD references to quality) It comes loaded with a full range of apps awaiting your discovery.
A specially trimmed down budget version of the popular social website allowing you to post skilfully cropped photos for your misleading profile pictures and to show off those candid moments captured on camera to receive Yikes! From friends. Full censorship options allowing you to freely post offensive material but not a picture of a nipple or any text that takes up more than 5% of your photo. We wouldn’t want you to enjoy yourself or make money now would we? Comes fully loaded with advertisements for your viewing pleasure.
Using only morse code you too an now share things in an instant at the press of a button to the wider world. Pester celebrities, befriend people who wouldn’t touch you with a barge pole or just be a twit the choice is yours. Receive TWITS like this classic from David Cameron ‘-.– .- -.– / .. / …. .- …- . / .— ..- … – / -… .-. — -.- . -. / .– .. -. -.. ‘
Want a shhh in the Shambles or a pee in Peru? Or LOOLOC will find you a thunder shack in no time at all. Simply press no.1 or no.2 and we will do the rest as your location is transmitted to CRAPPLES headquarters along with all your text and photos for us to analyse. In return we will send you back almost instantly your closest relief station. (NB Usage of this app allows us to record your audio for further analysis, this helps our feedback as we will estimate your comfort sighs)
Got some gossip? Want to make some cash? Why not sell it on eSay the only online gossip auction site. Dish the filth and get the wealth, from kiss and tells to full blown allegations eSay is for you. Simply upload your gossip, add a compromising photo to back it up and set a price, with catagories ranging from arguments to affairs and secrets to sauce if it’s tawdry it’s tradable. Make £££’s today!
Simply place your item on the flat of the screen and press go, we will electronically weigh and scan your item before making you an offer. The very next day you will receive a stamped addressed envelope, pop in your gold and that’s it, it’s so easy to make money it was almost worth stealing that gold necklace. Now with additional gold tooth software, simply open your mouth and we do the rest, we even send you a free pair of pliers to help with removal. We couldn’t do more to help you if we tried, oh yes we could! Don’t forget our new app SHARKLOAN where you can borrow from £1-£1 million at the press of a button with competitive interest rates capped at 8000% you know you can trust us. (N.B. Faliure to keep up any repayment will liable you to limb loss)
All your Iceland, Farmfoods, Lidl and Aldi favourites in one place so you can compare party food and fish fingers without leaving your armchair.
Our built in 0.01 Megapixel camera capable of an incredible resolution of 640×480 (2 colour only) with a guarantee that it will always take an unflattering picture no matter what. Our built in daylight flash (simply stand in full sun) will bring out those colours, for nighttime simply use our long exposure for incredible images. (Set to night shot and hold steady for three hours)
No money? No Booze? Simply start up this app and the screen fills with a pint, raise to your lips and pour that amber nectar as you would a real pint. Sensors in the pad will detect the tilt and drain the glass! Friends will think you are drink demon as you down pint after pint with no ill effects. Offers in store purchases for Carslberg, Fosters or for real men the Bear Gryllis special, wee.
The ultimate music app that records all your old 33’s LP’s onto magnetic tape called cassettes, a medium set to become the music storage choice of the future. The ‘cassettes’ clip onto the back of your pad so you can listen on the move, we call it a ‘Walkman’ Optional record feature allows you to capture favourite tunes from the top forty absolutely free. Use the additional app DJGONE to remove DJ’s talk from the beginning or end of tracks. Simple!
The CRAPPLE poundPad available today from all good pound shops only £1.