Be careful out there today folks, as I’m sat he writing this the studio is rocking violently in these windy conditions.
I really shouldn’t have eaten all the brussels yesterday.
So in a special report today we have a guide on how to cope with severe wind at any occasion, it’s got pictures too.
BETTER OUT THAN IN
Trapped wind can become a nightmare if left untreated, it can cause bloating and if held in too long will cause a small vortex when released that has the real possibility of turning you inside out. If you do get to this stage never stand near a naked flame upon release. The resulting gas will ignite and witnesses will describe it as ‘blowtorch like’ before you literally ‘pop’ in a fiery explosion that will leave the crowds clapping for more.
ON THE BUS
If you feel the need to pass a ‘wafer thin mint’ in the presence of others after the bouncing of the bus has hastened the moment then you will need to prepare yourself to avoid detection.
First look wistfully out of the window, maybe point at something in the distance and ask your fellow passengers to look too. Once their attention is distracted extend one leg out straight and apply a downward pressure with the others to give your bomb bay doors some clearance. Very quickly fire one out, your elevated position will act as a noise suppression only emitting a slight muffled sound very much like the sound of a silenced gun being shot into a cushion.
Should the be an accompanying stench then pretend you are hot and borrow a newspaper to waft your face, this should help move the smell to the roof where due to its fartogen dioxide it will fall harmlessly into others without suspicion.
IN A QUEUE
The scenario, you are inthe post office queue, it’s nearly twenty people long and you start to get the feeling that you are going to split your seams. There’s nothing for it, you are going to blow. You have two choices.
1. THE ENTERTAINER
This is probably the most straightforward to achieve, basically you deflect any embarrassment with entertainment. To start bend your knees, then begin the Hopak or Cossack Dance bouncing up and down with arms crossed extending first your left leg whilst balancing on your right still crouched then reverse the step multiple times. Work your crowd up to a frenzy by increasing the pace, occasionally throw in a few ‘hop! ‘ sounds, eventually your gathering crowds will start to join in. This is when you reach your finale, drop into a squat and start to let out your trouser trumpet whilst launching yourself high into the air with arms outspread in a star jump.
The crowds will be startled, you will be relieved and no one will be the wiser on just how close you came to steam pressing your Calvins. Quietly resume your queuing graciously taking any applause. Always use caution, occasionally this maneuver can go quite wrong and you can underestimate your sphincter siren, the resulting mess is never pleasant and quite possibly you will be banned from the post office for ever.
2. THE SNEAK
Part both legs as if you are riding a horse to allow sufficient space for air to move. Bend over slowly, you don’t want to force it out early and make to tie your shoe lace. This will force anybody behind in the blast area to move back a little. Now the pop tart manoeuvre which needs to be done in quick succession, twist to the left to point your package away from the queue raise your arm and frump, at exactly the same time as twisting and frumping return to standing upright and close the gap between your legs. Doing this correctly will change any noise emitted taking it from the equivalent of a drum roll to a high pitched kazoo and finally an ear piercing shriek before sliding off the scale much to the annoyance of passing dogs.
If you have done this correctly it should have all been over in less than a second and any noise would have been over so quickly that it will be dismissed as ‘hearing things’. One thing to note, if anyone in the queue is wearing an hearing aid they may suffer nose bleeds from the resulting feedback. Any dogs that responded to your whistle can then be removed from the post office by the staff.
Carrying shopping bags in both arms puts excess pressure on your middle regions forcing any trapped air to move in a downward motion. It can be awkward to relieve this problem unless you resort to this new method and take on a new walk.
Very simply it involves turning both feet outward and slightly bending your legs. Start to swing both arms gently and carry on walking with a slight waddle. The grinding motion your booty will go through will slowly ease it out, the resultant chaffing will give a pleasing heat and it will come out with a steady flubbawubba sound that will be so low on the scale that will sound like you are groaning under the weight of your bags. Move swiftly though to disturb the air behind you as much as possible, any trubulance you create will help mask any unpleasantness.
This takes skill and practice, it’s done entirely for show and makes an amazing party trick so it’s not one to be embarrassed about. Basically you announce to your audience that you have an amazing trick to show them and they need to gather around.
You turn away from them and remove a handkerchief from your pocket, quickly you spin around and open the handkerchief and let it go. The handkerchief looks like it’s draped over an invisible ball and it slowly rises into the air before gradually it fades and the handkerchief descend to the floor.
Here’s the secret, you need to practice ninjatrombones, the ancient art of releasing undetectable gas in a short killer burst. Once you have mastered this technique then the rest is easy. When you turn away immediately ninjatrombone, swiftly remove your handkerchief and turn around. The ninjatrombone will now be somewhere around chest level, quickly drape the handkerchief in midair to catch it. Be careful at this stage not to burst it as any disturbance will be noticed as members of your audience will pass out.
Take a step back and watch as it glides effortlessly into the air. More impressive feats and a faster rising action can be adjusted by your intake, cabbage will give lift whilst hotdogs will add width.
Sometimes just walking can trigger a ‘snart’, a successfully suppressed honker that suddenly gets released by a sneeze. Turn this into a comedy trip to avoid detection. Unfortunately a snart can sometimes trigger a grundle rundle leading to a raspberry rattler, both of which require a change of clothes.
Hope these handy tips keep you safe during the windy conditions, be careful out there it’s like a mouse on a motorcycle.