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Why Lionel Why?

Hello Blog, it’s been four days since I went away to write the rest of Bloodlines so I seem to have neglected you lately. So now I’m back and poised at the keyboard what shall we talk about?

Hi, I’m Lionel, the mystical question answering lying lion, what is your first question?

Hi Lionel, why is the sky blue?

The sky is blue due to an incredibly complex series of events that rely on generations of mice choirs. The choirs normally perform between the hours of 1-2am on hills throughout the land where their voices produce visible musical notes that fly into the sky and pass through the clouds. As they get higher and higher the air used to produce the note is squeezed out and they turn blue. In the morning the sun warms them up and they glow a lovely shade of light blue which is why we have blue skies. In 1967 the mice decided to rebel and instead went to the hills and bottom trumpeted in unison, the very next day we were treated to a spectacular display of colour in the sky and the underlying smell of rotten eggs that lasted a week.

Hi Lionel, do you lie?

No I do not, lies are bad, something I said to Charles Darwin just before he published his Origin Of Species. ‘It’s a bit far fetched isn’t it’ I said to Charles, why not chuck in a bit of sauce, everyone loves some rumpypumpy but he was having none of it. Pity as I’m sure it would have been a great sensation, he could have called it Fifty Shades Of Natural Selection With Bondage – Fantastic worldwide locations, hot nights in the jungle, HMS Beagle cruising action and sexy tortoises.

Hi Lionel, Toki Pona is the worlds easiest language with only 123 words to learn to express the most using the least, is that true?

Actually the easiest language to learn is Mubu Tubu and consists of two words. Mwahadimduba-alala-dingalingadingdong and Na, which translates as yes and no. Everything is reduced to simple yes, no structures enabling easy communication although it makes asking questions a little difficult so it’s recommended you learn a second language to help.

Hi Lionel, I’m popping to the shops do you want anything fetching?

No thanks, I don’t need to go shopping any more I have one of those new 3D printers and I print everything I want to eat. I just download the blueprints from the Interwebspace and viola, instant twenty six course menus and if I bored I’ll download the blue print for a Lancaster Bomber and go for a bit of dambusting. Only last night I got it to print out a hot dog, including the gristle, it came out piping hot and tasted delicious.

Hi Lionel, how do I attract girls?

It’s really very easy, when you go out to a bar or club simply go naked and smear yourself in strawberry jam. Slip small donuts over your fingers for bling. Stand on the dance floor and bend over to the front to touch your toes, repeat until you get all the female attention you can handle. Alternatively use this chat up line ‘OMG LOL WTF ROTFL I SPK TXT SPK DO U CAUS I WNT 2 TXT UR INBOX WIV MI DONGLE’ be sure to make a clicking sound between each word to simulate typing a text.

Hi Lionel, I’m stuck on Candy Crush can you help?

I can’t but I know who can. Visit your nearest Candy Crush Addicts Recovery Centre, you will find them in the yellow pages. They will be able to guide you safely through all 350 levels whilst easing your addiction by recreating the pain of crushing candy. They will strap you to a chair and pass varying levels of electricity through your nipples according to how much you crush. From a simple twelve volts for creating a horizontal stripe to virtually blowing your nipples off if you get a sugar rush. One addict mistakenly joined two colour bombs made from matching five which sent a whopping 20,000 volts through his ring piece causing him to pucker so severely he broke his legs.

Hi Lionel, what is the meaning of life?

Well, you get out what you put in unless you eat sweetcorn which always comes out the same as it goes in which is really weird when you think about it. Come to think about it that doesn’t apply to vending machines either. Life it seems is a series of mitigated disasters filled with assholes each spaced out over the years to strategically give you the chance to meet one every day only punctuated with moments of joy when you manage to have a good dump.

Hi Lionel, how did the dinosaurs become extinct?

It’s all down to the Tyrannasaurus Rex, when Noah was loading the ark he wrote to all the dinosaurs to ask them to come along before it started raining, it would be fun he said, just let us know you can make it and we will make space. Unfortunately the brontosaurus that dealt with the dinosaurs mail was off ill that week and his replacement the T-Rex couldn’t reach down to pick up the mail so it remained unopened until the ark sailed away. The dinosaurs were furious and decided instead to live underground and that’s the reason we find so many bones buried today.

Hi Lionel, are you mad?

If thinking about flying dogs spinning tea cups on their noses whilst breakdancing cats pop out moves in front of the pope is normal then no, I am perfectly sane.

Woof.

 

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