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What Time Is It?

Time, it’s always moving never pausing, it’s shorter when you sleep and longer when you work but what is time? Do we really know? Here’s your free buffers guide to time.

Dinosaurs were invented in 1837 by the government to discourage time travelling, the thought of monsterous beasts roaming the earth remained a popular anti-timetravel ruse until the early nineties when Spielberg went back in time to film Jurassic Park.

Atomic clocks are accurate to within 0.00001 second every million years yet must be moved forward and backward by hand to account for British summertime starting and ending. They are also need to be hand wound a total of twenty two million turns every two years to remain accurate.

The first talking clock was a parrot. After repeating ‘at the third stroke it will be…’ for the millionth time it had a nervous break down destroying its perch and the telephone exchange in London where it was housed. It was later replaced by a monkey and ultimately a recording of the Queen who famously refused to say ‘stroke’ and replaced it with ‘strike’

Back To The Future, the popular time travelling trio of films is actually based on the real story of Professor Gimble. The professor invented a time travelling toilet powered by flatulance and once catapulted himself so far back in time after consuming a jar of pickled onions that he witnessed the birth of mankind. He was found in a supermarket carpark in the early eighties with his clothes in tatters and his pants around his ankle next to a fiery line and a burnt out toilet. After trying to convince bystanders that he had used a habanero chilli to finally flatulate himself back from the future the professor disappeared into history and was never seen again until he was spotted in a photo taken by cavemen in 24 million BC. Hollywood took interest in the story and immediately made most of it up to avoid time conflict wrangles should the professor ever return to our time period and discover the connection.

You can tell the time by the sun. If you are reading it then it’s time to get a life.

Sundials are dials that can be turned to dim the sun, they are used at night when all sundials are turned off and we get ‘darkness’. Darkness is also the name of a high pitched rock band that managed to get the words end and bell into the same Christmas song but not necessarily in that order.

Two Minutes To Midnight the famous song penned by Iron Maiden is based upon the closing hours of their local pub. It was shouted out when they were about to serve the last orders whereupon the band would then purchase as much lager as they could comfortably drink in two days.

In Victorian times wristwatches were called Chronographicalidocious dateometers and consisted of a glass egg timer filled with sand attached to the back of the wrist that was rotated every three minutes.

You have probably wasted a few minutes of your time reading this and wonder why you bothered.

Never ask Chico and MC Hammer for the time at the same time. It will be carnage.

You will now have the words to ‘Can’t Touch This’ in your head for a long time.


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