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What A Tosser

Pancakes are a traditional food first created in the 1960’s after serious night of heavy drinking. Upon arriving home at 3am smashed out of his tiny mind Arthur Pendulum struggled to find anything to eat. The chip shops had long shut so he resorted to and area unfamiliar to his kind, the kitchen. After fumbling around in the dark he eventually located the gas cooker and turned on every knob to full, finding a frying pan in a cupboard he had an idea – heat+fat+potato=chips!

Arthur stumbled around eventually placing the pan squarely in the middle of all four rings to get equal heat, after a fruitless search for potatoes he gave up and instead found a stale Victoria sponge which he skillfully cut up into chip chunks along with several of his own fingers and threw them all into the pan. Nothing happened.

Arthur stopped and scratched his head, surely he had forgotten something, ah, yes, the oil. Arthur pulled the lid off the best sunflower oil and poured it down the sink, realising his mistake he wandered over to the cooker leaving a slippery oil trail slopping the rest into the thermal nuclear heat of the frying pan. Witnesses report hearing Arthur mutter the words ‘Bloody Hell’ before the resulting fireball burnt every hair off his body and left his clothes in tatters. Gladys, Arthur’s long suffering wife who was sleeping upstairs was catapulted in her nighty through the plasterboard roof only to end up in the attic. The bright flash of flame blew out all the windows and the kitchen wall, when the fire service turned up to the ensuing blaze Arthur was found sat in the garden tucking into his snack. ‘Pan-Cakes, bloody lovely, who’d ave thought it!’ He muttered before passing out flat on his back and urinitaing like a fountain.

So with that our glorious pancake day was born to celebrate Arthur’s new recipe, what topping do you like?

The Dumpster

A pancake covered with chocolate, Nutella, peanut butter. Often leaves looking the same way it was eaten.

The Posh Sadist

Someone who just has lemon juice on it, they don’t really like it but it kids everyone else they are healthy.

The Roly Poly

Add strawberry or raspberry jam and roll like a cigar. Sit in a chair with a large brandy and eat cigar like infront of a roaring fire.

A Tummy Tumbler

A stack of pancakes on a microwaveable plate, one cream egg unwrapped and placed on top, thirty seconds in the microwave et viola, a gooey joy to make your tummy tumble and your bottom sing.

The Swamp Thing

Take one pancake, this is the swamp. To form the Swamp thing put together layers of pancake, boiled egg slices, pancake then beans. Repeat until two inch thick then roll tightly and stand upright in the swamp and pour over chilli con carne. Lean over and using no cutlery to eat and your hands behind your back just use your mouth for an authentic slobbery chomp sound. An hour later your body will start producing swamp like sounds including burbling gases and obnoxious smells. Try it on grandma it works a treat.

The Unforgiven

Any filling that includes Tofu. Although I do know one good recipe, simply oil the tofu lightly and toss in the bin.

Have a great tossing day!

 

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