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What A Carry On

SCENE ONE

TAKE ONE

Gerald had finally found a job in a the post office in the quiet village of Carryonton. It’s his first day and we find him behind the desk waiting for his first customer.

Ting-a-ling went the bell above the door as in walked the vicar. ‘Morning Gerald, what a nice morning although this hot weather is making my clothes rub against my thrupney bits. I have an important package to fire through someone’s slot can you handle a large one?’
‘Ah, vicar, nice to see you, I can see your way-hay fever has started early. Of course I can help, let me see your package.’

‘There it is Gerald, it’s a fine package isn’t it, Have you seen a larger one than this?’

‘Can’t say I have vicar, it could certainly do some damage if it gets shoved through the wrong hole.’

‘Well Gerald, you’d better make sure my package slides carefully into the correct hole, especially if I’m paying for it.’

Ting-a-ling went the bell and they are joined by Mrs Holliby.

‘Morning Vicar, morning Gerald, what a fine day it is. The suns shining and I have just seen a pair of great tits, I love birds.’

‘I agree Mrs Holliby, nothing like seeing a pair of great tits in the morning to get you going for the day, isn’t that right Gerald’

‘Certainly is, nothing beats a pair of great tits. What can we do for you Mrs Holliby?’

STOP

Sorry, this is degenerating into double entendre sillyness, it’s a blog not a Carry On film. It needs a complete rewrite, think village, think murder, think Miss Marples and try again.

TAKE TWO

We join Gerald, Post Master in the mysterious village of Carryonton, we find him in the post office discussing the latest revelations with Mrs Holliby and the parish Vicar.

‘Well I don’t know Vicar, they found him last night in a room locked from the inside. He was dead, murdered, the only thing they found was a smashed window. Somebody must have broken in.’

‘Broken out Gerald, Mrs Weston said the glass from the window was on the outside so it must have been broken from the inside, how curious.’ Said Mrs Holliby, ‘What do you think vicar?’

‘I thought it was funnier when we all talked about tits.’

STOP, STOP, STOP!

Vicar, you’re out, lets run that scene again with just Gerald and Mrs Holliby. Forget the murder lets try a Western.

TAKE THREE

‘Well Mrs Holliby, the pony express leaves in three minutes, yawl better be on it before Black Bart rides into town’

‘Oh, Gerald, you are a brave sheriff. Let me see your 10 inch pistol.’

‘Here it is Mrs Holliby, it’s impressive isn’t it. Here, let me lift your saddlebags for you.’

‘Oh my Gerald, you’re SO powerful, you can handle my saddlebags anytime.’

STOP, FOR GOODNESS SAKE STOP IT NOW!

Mrs Holliby, you’re out. Just you Gerald, this is your last chance! Think village post office, first day.

TAKE FOUR

Gerald had finally found a job in a the post office in the quiet village of Carryonton. It’s his first day and we find him behind the desk waiting for his first customer.

‘Titty Tits!’

I give up.

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