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The Secret Diary Of A Wood Pigeon Pt 3


Couldn’t find Mr Smith in the garden where he usually stands to shout at me so decided to slide down the conservatory roof. It’s so slippy I had trouble controlling myself and flapped around a bit until I got my footing. Cyril, the silly oaf decided to glide in missing his footing completely and sending me spinning down the sloped roof. Fortunately I managed to stop by flapping and kicking that black thing stuck on the end of the gutter. I don’t know what it is but when I looked in it I could see another me looking back. I dunno, I kicked it again and pecked it for good measure.


Feel good. I pooped so hard off the aerial that Cyril heard the splat and he was four trees away! Hahaha! Mr Smith was back and in a rage, this time he shouted out of the window and pointed at my poop, I don’t know why he is always angry with me, I’m sure he poops too but I don’t shout and point at it. He then went on to shout something about kicking a security camera on the conservatory whatever one of those is. I’m sure he’s going mental, it must be something to do with that brush thing he carries around with him.

Spent the afternoon convincing the magpie to shout loudly from Mr Smiths back garden. Every ten shouts that Fred did Mr Smith stepped out of his small shed covered in paint and flapped his arms about, it was soooo funny, I even chucked a couple of shouts in myself.


Went to inspect the camera thingy on the conservatory roof. Don’t know what it does but when I sat on it the thing snapped! I flapped a bit at that I can tell you, I flapped even more when Mr Smith burst out of the door below and threw his slipper at me. He really has bad taste in foot wear, nobody has blue slippers anymore. Spent the rest of the day watching Mr Smith up a ladder doing something with the camera thing whilst cursing under his breath and pointing the screwdriver at me. Don’t know what he thinks I can do with a screwdriver, secretly I think he has a screw loose, maybe he should use the screwdriver on himself. Haha!


Me and Cyril had a fight. It was his fault, he had been in my favourite tree and picked off all the berries. I was saving them for later the fat git. Unfortunately we decided to fight near the bedroom window of Mr Smith, Cyril managed to fly face first into it as he tried to get away leaving a big dusty imprint of his face and wings and a raging Mr Smith bouncing around inside. I could see Mr Smith was half dressed and still wearing those hideous slippers, how naff.


Had a little dance on the roof tiles, nothing special but I thought that a quick boogie would be a nice treat for Mr Smith, I’m sure he would enjoy it. It went tip-tap-tippety-taptap-tap, I then got the magpie to join in along with the crows. Unfortunately the magpie didn’t like the crow much and they started to sqawk and fight, they got that excited that poop flew everywhere and I mean everywhere. Spent the afternoon watching Mr Smith washing his car, poop really does stick doesn’t it? It took him nearly two hours. Decided to be really mean, I waited until he had turned away and did a fly by poop right on the bonnet. OMG he went mental! Hahaha! Mr Smith is SO funny!



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