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The Secret Diary Of A Pigeon


Felt bored, walked around Mr Smiths roof and kicked a couple of slates, he had shooed me away earlier and I was out for revenge. Sat on his aerial and had a poop, a big poop that made a satisfactory splat sound as it hit the slabs below. Felt pleased. Flew home and had trouble getting in the large conifer where I had built my home, must stop eating fattening things.


Found some chips. Accidentally dropped chip on Mr Smiths garden furniture causing him to shout. Couldn’t have done better if I tried, may try to irate him more later by fighting with Cyril on the top of his conservatory. Bad landing tonight, crashed into conifer and panicked, noise attracted Mr Smith who shouted abuse at me. I think he may be an intolerant neighbour.


Up nice an early and made my way to a big open window where I sat on the roof above and cooed my heart out. Didn’t know it was Mr Smiths bedroom window until he lent out, threw a shoe at me and shouted the time. Flew to aerial and had a poop. Felt good.


It wasn’t my fault I didn’t see Mr Smith until the last minute, I was distracted. The bird bath was too full anyway and I’m sure a bit of water didn’t hurt him. I flailed around a little and was maybe a tad over dramatic, after all he was in splashing distance, before flying away and crashing into the conifer. Must stop eating fatty things, I’m getting quite podgy.


Sat pecking at jam sandwich minding my own business when out of nowhere comes Mr Smith shouting and flapping for no reason whatsoever. Of course dear diary I flew away bemused by the whole thing, after all jam will wash out of cream garden furniture cushions I’m sure. He does show off sometimes. Flew to aerial and had two poops. Result! Must have been the jam.


Got completely smashed eating some fresh vegetables from Mr Smiths garden, spent the next few hours flapping from roof to roof singing and fighting with Cyril. Mr Smith got very angry. Every time I tried to approach him to explain I was happy he just shouted and flapped his arms. He will never fly, he’s too fat lol. Cyril said we must do more to annoy him, I think Cyril may be right.


Oh my god, Cyril has done an amazing thing. He flew into Mr Smiths house! Straight through the double doors he went, did a couple of circles and flew back out. Cyril said it was the best thing he had ever done although he couldn’t control his bladder whilst he was in there. Mr Smith was not happy, it took him the rest of the day to clean the conservatory. Cyril smiled all day, what an adventure! Decided to have my afternoon poop over the back door for a change, it makes a lovely different sploshing sound as it hits the decking instead of slabbing.


A new week, I feel a bit ill, I think I ate a dodgy kebab last night and my guts are really off. Mr Smith is out in the garden, I might try and fly to him to try and apologise for Cyril’s behaviour although Mr Smith is quite stupid and dosen’t understand what I’m saying. On second thoughts I’ll just go and let all this out over his newly cleaned car, I’ll keep you posted dear diary…


OMG he went mental! I was like hahahaha he was like WTF, Cyril laughed so much he pooped a tank full. He nearly covered two square feet in one go. Mr Smith didn’t find that funny either and started to jump up and down in a rage, I fear he may be one of those attention seekers. We are going to try and fly as close to him as we can later, should be fun!



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