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Teeving Troubles

Problems with your television but cannot afford to get them fixed? The answer to all your troubles may be in our handy foldaway guide, yours free in today’s blog.

NO PICTURE

A common problem often caused by electrostatic impulses that emanate from the suns solar activity, alternatively polar magnetic pulses may have effected the cathode ray tube and disrupted its gamma particles. A simple solution to this complex problem is to simply switch it on. If you still have no picture but you get sound then you most likely have your eyes shut.

SNOWY PICTURE

Move away from the window, you are looking outside on a particularly cold day. To resolve, wait until Summer and look again for a pleasant view devoid of snow.

WAVY PICTURE

Three possible reasons for this, one you are watching a program on deep trawler fishing, secondly you are watching the fish tank and thirdly and most likely, you’re drunk. Wavy lines can enhance certain programs especially those that contain the words talent, brother, factor, dancing by making your brain cope with the banality of the broadcast.

CIRCULAR PICTURE THAT MOVES BACK AND FORTH WITH FLASHES OF COLOUR

Move out of the kitchen, that’s the washing machine you are looking at, it may appear in black and white according to wash contents. (Real story time, I once new a newly married couple in the 1980’s that really did sit all day and watch the washing machine when they were first able to afford one before a television. True that.)

NOT ENTERTAINING

Sometimes you can be watching a program that serves as an excuse not to have a television licence, should you find one along these lines I find it useful to have a variety of objects to throw at the television. Alternatively purchase tickets for the said show and take along your specially selected object to lob, it makes for great television and you will probably be arrested so you don’t have to watch it anymore. Downside is your cell mate is a lonely soul called Bendover Bob.

MY TELEVISION SHOWS NOTHING BUT REPEATS

I’m sorry to tell you but you have inadvertantly switched on to channel five and will be condemned to watch CSI all day every day until you shuffle off this mortal coil or until you change channels.

MY TELEVISION SHOWS NOTHING BUT REPEATS

I’m sorry to tell you but you have inadvertantly switched on to DAVE and will be condemned to watch Top Gear all day every day until you shuffle off this mortal coil or until you change channels.

I HAVE PICTURES OF CRAGGY MOUNTAINS AND PINK HOLES ON MY SCREEN

You have stumbled across a close up view of teeth from any of Jeremy Kyle shows during your day off work, switch off immediately before you become tempted to apply for the show. Application form available, must have own cap, less than three teeth and have some massive problem that you wish to air on television because at home you don’t talk except through having a go at each other on Facebook or through TXT’ing. It helps if you exceed normal body weight and are prone to fighting or shouting. Seventeen kids desirable but other candidates will be considered.

STILL HAVE A PROBLEM?

Quite simply remove the back of the television and look at the circuit board, find R5 flux capacitor and remove. Take a wire and attach it to C33 relay and hook it up to C24.638 whilst removing R74, C76, B83 and B64. This will not resolve it but you will have passed half an hour doing something other than watching television. Your television will now not work, instead you have turned it into a rotisserie. Place the television face down and switch on. The heat generated from all the incorrectly wired components will be hot enough to spit roast a chicken over it, use knitting needles to secure chicken in place and turn frequently.

Check chicken is cooked throughly before eating. Clean grease from back of television and place in kitchen cupboard, occasionally bring it out to impress neighbours with your Rotiss-a-tele courtesy of today’s informative blog.

 

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