Due to the unusual events surrounding this weekend the government has issued a set of guidelines in readiness.
Be prepared, we will experience a unique event this weekend when a mysterious object will appear in the sky two days in a row accompanied by a searing blast of heat. The last time we issued this warning was in 1976 when several residents spontaneously burst into flames after mistakenly using lard instead of sun tan lotion.
Cover your skin. Skin burns easily so we suggest you get out all your winter gear and wear it immediately. The sun can be as dangerous as the trecherous 1mm of snow that brings this country to its knees every year.
If you don’t have access to suitable clothing then seek shade. Sit in the little cupboard underneath the stairs until this inclement weather passes and we return to misery apathy soaked drizzle.
Under no circumstances stare directly into the sun, it is a terrible read and full of gossip.
Wear clothing appropriate to your body shape rather than body shape wishes, we don’t want to see everything no matter how misshapen it it. Besides any sticky out bits will be closer to the sun and will probably burn to a crisp.
There are individuals that worship the sun, they can be found steadily toasting on Britains many beaches, some of which are now free of sewerage. They are mad, stay away from them at all costs unless you want to look like a mahogany sideboard with bingo wings.
Whilst were at it boot polish makes a great alternative to sun tan cream, use brown or black for best results. Wire wool and bleach will remove it after use.
Avoid fun. It’s all well and good running outside frolicking but too much fun is bad for you. It leads to giddiness and a general feeling of well being and we can’t be having that. Take heed, too much fun is good for none. We at the government have been towing this line for years and its never done us any harm.
Paddling pools should be no more that the size of a shoe box to avoid drowning incidents. Should your paddling pool exceed these dimensions you will need to employ a lifeguard and take out public liability insurance.
After two days of this so called sunny weather we will issue a drought warning and add another item to the extremely long list of things we don’t want you to do.
The drinking of alcohol will be tolerated as long as the guidelines for safe drinking are followed. This includes one double whiskey for the under fives whilst adults are only allowed one pint of shandy per twelve hours.
Barbeques are the preferred method of cooking during this emergency. All meats must be cooked through and we recommend you cook them in your kitchen then again on your barbeque until they resemble charcoal. Cut them open to check they are fully cooked and place them face down again on the barbeque to make sure. Finally pop them in the microwave for five minutes to kill any bacteria left.
Don’t forget your daily calorie allowance when barbecuing. Make sure you reach it by bulking up on extra fatty items like sausages and eat lots of bread.
Children are especially vulnerable and should be locked away in their rooms until further notice.
Ice creams must not be left unattended. Any ice creams found will be clamped and will receive an on the spot fine of no less than £100.
We are pleased to announce that the seasides will be open this weekend, Skegness, Blackpool and many others are waiting to greet you with open arms. Drive there in droves, we will put extra traffic on the roads to help with congestion. Please make sure you keep your windows shut in your car whilst stuck in traffic for maximum discomfort.
This has been a public information service on behalf of the national bureau of ministerial buffoonery.
N.B. Summer will now take place between the 5th and the 10th July whereupon after the final date we will bring back the rain, wind, fog and snow typical of this time of year.
Enjoy your summer. We will be shortly issuing our guidelines to the supermarkets regarding Christmas. This years starting date for stocking Christmas items has been moved to the 1st August to stimulate the economy.