Welcome to Santas Grotty Shopping Channel, your one stop shop till you drop crop of the top gifts this festive season. Let’s kick things off with something rather special.
Remember the classic Swan teasmaid? Well we here at SGSC have turned this classic into the ultimate in gadget aided breakfast consumption. Marvel as your Swan Xmas Breakfast Maid fries, cooks, toasts and boils everything in one go so you can wake up to a full English without all the effort. The secret is the inclusion of real swans who wake up according to the alarm you set and cook everything from scratch. N.B. swans are very touchy and may break your arm at the slightest provocation, we cannot guarantee you will get a pleasant swan with your Breakfast Maid, also they come in pairs. Please do not use the scrambled egg setting as swans get very touchy at the thought of making them and are liable to flap and break your arm again.
Every suffered from the embarrassment of a lava flow winding it way through your house? Ashamed to tell neighbours that you can’t invite them round for a coffee due to a small volcano in your conservatory? Well forget all the inconvenience that lava causes with these handy lava proof loafing slippers. Fashioned from stylish nylon fabric and decorated in a Norwegian style these fashion statements will be the envy of non lava flow owners. Guaranteed up to certain temperatures stride out in style whilst others turn their footwear into the shoe equivalent of burnt toast.
N.B. Lava must have cooled sufficiently before walking on the flow is attempted. Not guaranteed for volcano lava pool swimming, for that you need our new Volcaswim nylon onesie body suit and Volcaspex goggles. One size fits all, even cats.
Got a teenager? Don’t know your Samsung iPhone from your Nintendo play station but want to impress those ‘hoodies’ with your street cred? We have just the gift for you, gear up, it’s the latest street machine that doubles up as a handy remote control caddy and nick nack storage unit. Watch their faces fill with awe as they unwrap this on Christmas Day, you are giving them freedom, no longer will they bother you with lifts into town or asked to be picked up at some ungodly hour. With a supa comfy seat they can sit in their ‘slab’ and cruise the hood click click bangin’ with the dual remote controls for a drive by channel change. With chrome rims and two drawers this bitch machine will impress the ho’s and your daddy cred will spooge as they find you’re no crumbly. Buy our bitchin’ manual on how to talk street to impress them even further, ‘Spout like a Motherhubbard’ is available as a paperback or Kindle download, only six Benjamin’s or a donkey, no kickbacks, shiz’ got real.
Ever been told you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? What a load of balls, take them up the pooch chute is what I say. Our unique spring loaded ramp helps untrained dogs reach new levels of agility and poise. Forget the dancing dogs, what if your dog could do a triple somersaulted backflip over a double decker bus, impressive? It gets better, add more dogs and you can start your own aerial dog display team, just imagine a formation of nine jack russels flying over Simon Cowels head during Britains Got Talent, imagine launching corgis at the Queen during the Royal variety performance, think of the spectacle when you get a Great Dane to star jump. Ahem, maybe not that last one. Buy now and get our super pooper scooper catapult absolutely free. Launch unwanted bags of poo into gardens far, far away without detection. Here’s what our customers say ‘I launched one bag so far it landed two streets away, thank you Super Pooper Scooper Catapult, you’re a star!’ Ivor Biggun, Tilit, Herts.
Don’t throw away those old shoes, turn them into healthy ‘Shoothies’ in seconds with our Healthy Shoe Shredded and free Boot Blender attachment. Grind galoshes into flavor packed drinks using only the addition of water, use heavy soiled walking boot for a distinct earthy tang, or make a sexy shake from stilettos. Our boot blender guarantees to blend a pair of hunters to a fine soup in less than ten seconds!
Comes complete with seventy, yes, seventy specially selected recipes from slippers to uggs, flip flops to fetish we have a shoothie to suit. For an additional £35 why not buy our exclusive recipe book ‘Footwear Feeding For The Family’, 281 illustrated recipes separated into handy categories covering everything from shoe snacking to rich shoups.
Order today and receive a free gift, a space age gadget that will write in anything, even underwater or in the depths of space! Using the latest technology this free gift can also write any colour, effortlessly! Can you afford to be without this miracle of modern life? *
*free gift may resemble a pencil. The term ‘write any colour’ refers to the fact that you can write the word ‘red’, ‘blue’ or any other colour you wish without restrictions. Although pencil may work underwater you may need underwater paper that doesn’t current exist.