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What does a slug, a potential cannibal, a trailer full of horse manure and cigarettes have in common?

They all formed part of my walk this morning.

Sometimes I go for a bit of a stroll before starting in the studio, not far, just a few miles to clear my head but sometimes it worries me the things I experience and wondered if anyone else gets all this. No seriously, I see some weird stuff and wonder if it’s normal or I have been singled out to be weird to.

The slug was a straight forward one. On the path some distance ahead I could see what looked like a small mouse stood sniffing the ground but as I approached my brain did that little twitch that tells you it’s not what you think it is but neither can you tell what it is. It’s only as you curiously approach with mouth half open that you realise that it is indeed a dead slug covered in a swarm of flies that now decide to leave all at once and fly at your face bouncing off indiscriminately and regarding my open mouth as a curious cave whilst I squeal at passers bye.

As you can see my walk didn’t get off to a flying start. Jayne by now is used to all this of course and regards my apparent inability to not cope with situations like this as rather amusing.

A man approached a little further on and stopped. He looked normal-ish it was just curious that way he side stepped on to the verge to let us pass as the path was wide enough to drive a bus down. He watched us approach then as we passed he started to wring his hands and his face changed into a look that he was possibly contemplating eating us. No, really, he mashed his chops and licked his lips whilst eyeing us both steadily, he also turned as we passed and sniffed, he SNIFFED! Not a delicate sniff but a big lungfull sniff and his tongue extended further to nearly touch his nose. I know this because I turned to look, I had already been licked once by a stranger many years ago (don’t ask, I may tell you that story another time) so was on my guard so to speak.


What is it with people? Why do people act oddly around me?

Ever been paced by a pile of poo? We were today as a van carrying the largest open trailer of horse manure I have ever seen decided to read house numbers by slowly crawling along the kerb making sure the trailer was under our noses for a few hundred feet. It stank, we stank, horse wee was making my eyes water. We even stopped walking and he stopped rolling. We got to the crossroads and he turned blocking us from crossing with his poo cart. Unbelievable or as Victor Meldrew would say ‘I don’t believe it!’

Anything else? Ah yes, being hit by a lit cigarette butt thrown from a car that was pulling in to a shop that had out of the front a bin with an ashtray on top to which the man strode towards after exiting his car and dropped a cigarette packet at its feet. Put it in the bin you lazy man and stop using the general public to stub out your death sticks.

Oh, and nearly witnessing the swift demise of an elderly driver that decided to park on a very busy road and remove his walking frame not from the safety of the pavement but from the side exposed to traffic causing cars and lorries to swerve as he slung his door open and started to extract his unwieldy object. An object that was placed against the other door next to the pavement that would have been simpler to reach and less carnage worthy. Madness!

Well, wish me luck. I’m off into town this afternoon so if you see me out and about don’t forget to act really weirdly and have a good sniff.


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