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Screwtility Companies

As part of the blogs ongoing public service announcement today’s entry aims to ease the burden of rising fuel bills from the robbing dog utility companies and to give you sensible advice other than the absolute drivel that we get from our illustrious prime minister of popping on a few jumpers.

So whilst our energy companies try to help reduce the burden of our ageing population by popping a few off and you hand over a wedge of money the size of a house brick to heat your home for an hour here’s our top tips for beating those winter chills.

Set fire to your sofa, it really works, simply push it into the centre of the room and set it alight. The foam burns like a dream and pretty soon you will have a veritable furnace blasting away in your living room. Unfortunately you will have no where to sit whilst this is happening so instead get your self a toasting fork and some marshmallows to cheer yourself up.

Wrap your house in tin foil, the extra insulation will actually bounce back heat and your house will feel like a baked potato and look suitably space aged.

Pets are experts at retaining warmth due to their fur coats, take advantage of this by inserting a cat down the front of your clothes. The resulting frantic scrambling will generate warmth through kinetic energy saving you the need to turn the heating up.

Brick up the windows, most heat is lost through the roof and windows, removing the glass and bricking them up resolves one problem but to solve heat loss through the roof you need to insulate your roof space using the small polystyrene packing material you use to protect items through the post. Simply place 32,627,263 of them in the roof space and quickly shut the loft hatch, simples. Word of warning, although your house will be warm never ever open the loft hatch again and if you move don’t tell the new owners.

Break the catch on your microwave so you can leave the door open when cooking, a simple and often overlooked way to catch all those ‘rays’ and heat your house from the inside out.

Break wind into glass bottles and cork them, when it starts to feel a bit cold hold a lit match over the top of the bottle and remove the cork. The resulting ‘heat genie’ will flash with a burst of heat energy before taking off your eyebrows and sending a gust of warm air around the house. If you feel more adventurous you can dispense with the bottles and learn to regulate your own gas supply, experts can create a steady flame through underpants that is hot enought to weld metal.

One for Harry Potter fans, live under the stairs! Small enough to heat efficiently and you can even wear glasses and get yourself an owl should you wish. I will even give you the spell for generating your own inferno, Speaknspellious Comeonbabylightmyfireious.

Visit neighbours every night and bask in free heat effectively transferring your costs elsewhere. Rotate neighbour visits every couple of nights to avoid suspicion and hatred.

Did you know your lose more heat through the top of your head than anywhere else on your body? Start wearing a hat in the house, it looks rakish, stylish and swish with the bonus of always keeping you a few degrees warmer. Take a cold shower with a hat on and feel the benefit, wear a Mexican hat for extra warmth catching properties and take a tip from all those gauchos by wearing a poncho too. In fact go hat haywire!

Physical activity warms up those joints so they require less heat, get used to squat thrusting your way around the house. Star jump in the shower, skip whilst serving hot beverages and run when carrying scissors.

Start a savings club, for every day you don’t switch on the heating put the money you would have spent somewhere safe. After a week you will have approximately £251, blow all this on cheap booze and polish off bottle after bottle each night until you don’t give a toss how cold you are.

I hope there has been some useful tips in there to help you through the long winter months, I’m off to burn 1.2mm of my Winter candle, with any luck it should provide me with ample warmth for many a months to come whilst I take out a new mortage to pay for my gas and electric useage for last year.

Thanks utility companies, you really, really suck.


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