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School Of Twangers

TWANGERS PRIVATE SCHOOL ENTRY EXAM

Name ______________

Age ____________

Examiner Bribe Amount £________ / Grade expected __________

TRUE OR FALSE

(Circle True or False. If you think it’s True then circle TRUE not false, if you think it’s False then circle FALSE, not TRUE. To help identify a circle a circle looks like this ‘O’)

1. A pea is green TRUE / FALSE

2. Basil Brush used to be a member of the Labour Party TRUE / FALSE

3. The word Fumblet refers to a small fumble TRUE / FALSE

4. Fumbles are small furry creatures that knit raincoats from tissue paper TRUE / FALSE

5. This is a True or False question TRUE / FALSE

6. ‘Would you like fries with that?’ will be the first thing you say in your new job TRUE / FALSE

READ THE FOLLOWING AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS

“Chromotoxins when mixed with raw sugar produce burps of such stunning loudness they can deafen at ten paces. When the mixed solution is added to Sulphur Nitrate Itching Powder and placed in a small beaker the acceleration of burp gases cause the beaker to hiccup for up to two hours at a time. The colour hiccups produce is called burple.”

1. Why is Beaker from the Muppet show willing to drink the solution?

2. What does the word ‘burp’ mean and what is the meaning of life?

3. Write a small 50,000 word essay discussing any gossip you have.

4. Reproduce the colour burple here – _________ use coloured pens if necessary.

WRITE A SENTENCE ABOUT TWO OF THE FIVE TOPICS

1. Most disgusting thing you have never done.

2. Cat carpenters.

3. Why you miss Skegness.

4. Wearing a truss.

5. Dog snogging.

6. Being arrested at the cat carpenters for dog snogging.

MATHEMATICS

1. A takes two hours to pick ten apples, B takes one hour to pick ten apples, C takes ten hours to pick one apple, how many apples would we have if we stopped sending letters of the alphabet to pick apples?

2. Think of a number and write it here ______ double it then take away the number you first thought of. The result is ______ . Is that the number you first thought of? Cool isn’t it?

3. If Justin is at number one in the pop charts and Miley is at number two how many weeks would it take for them to become celebrity car crashes?

4. A man in a restaurant has £25 in his hand. He hands over £5 to a lady. How much more does he need to hand over to settle his bill?

5. It takes a man two hours to cut a 2” piece of timber into three pieces by hand. How long would it have taken him if he used a saw instead of his hand?

COMPLETE THESE SENTENCES

1. Ken Dodd invented twerking because it _______________ in knotty ash.

2. I once _____________ and was accused of being a member of the Arthur Mullards Donkey Poking Society.

3. Artists ________ and ________ around all day.

4. Twangers once featured in an special episode of _______ where Bungle, George and Zippy all discussed various twanging methods with Geoffrey who also discussed bouncing a ball. Help can be found below.

5. Once I ______ so violently I _______ all over the kitchen until I was so _______ and was unable to do it again.

UNDERLINE THE CORRECT PHRASE THAT FINISHES THESE STATEMENTS

1. The great fire of London started because (A) Samuel Pepys wanted something to write about in his diary. (B) A laptop was left on charge overnight (C) An irate customer took revenge on McDonalds horse and carriage drivethru when he got gherkins on his McRat.

2. The brain is (A) In my head (B) Somewhere else (C) Part of me that makes me think I am clever but actually sits there telling me to follow unicorns and to walk around naked in Tesco’s whilst sipping cheap cider.

RESULTS

Congratulations, you have passed, you are now a fully paid up member of society and your education has made you capable of independent thinking and tremendous self importance.

And yes, I would like fries with that.

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