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Roll With It

Look! My loo roll has shrunk!

It’s that silly season again, the season of the shrinking toilet rolls. I noticed with dismay that our local supermarket had stopped stocking our 24 pack of favourite brand of loo roll and that always spells problems. You see first they increase the price of the 24 pack by a few pounds then they remove it all together and offer 16 rolls at what seems a competitive price when in reality they have actually increased the price per roll. I read a report compiled over the course of eight years that charted a toilet roll, I know, the things I do for you, and basically it gave the weight, size and amount of sheets for each year. The end result was the toilet roll had lost an inch in size and over 100 sheets whilst rising in price but the best bit is this, you could still buy the same sized toilet roll eight years later at the original start of the survey size it was just now rebranded as a double roll and cost even more.

Profit shifting is one of the biggest pains in the arse so today I have been testing thrifty alternatives to the humble loo roll in a bid to save you pounds. Here are my results.

Tissue Paper

Whilst light and versatile tissue paper is notoriously unstable and prone to puncturing. I tried several types and whilst the white florist tissue paper wasn’t too bad it still needed several fistfuls to work correctly. Coloured tissue paper however was prone to colour leakage, it took several days for the green tinge to disappear from my bottom.



It may be fine for canaries but boy does it chafe! I started with a rough grain for grip but this soon proved too painful, a medium grain was a little better but still had a tendancy to remove skin. Fine grain whilst smoother tended to fold easily making the equivalent of a small sandpaper saw blade ripping me to shreds although it did give me a smooth finish that required little polishing to make it shine.

5/10 Start with the mix pack from the local DIY store and work up to emery paper.


After buying a Axminster shag pile offcut I simply cut into strips and rolled around an old cardboard tube. Although giving superior luxury I found that I needed a Stanley knife to remove each sheet, most inconvenient slashing away whilst sat down. Once a sheet has been removed make sure you use the soft side and not the hard underlay which feels like you are rubbing a Jacobs cream cracker down there. Experiment with nylon and cotton mixes according to personal preference but avoid laminate and Lino. Carpet tiles may eliminate the need for cutting and can be left in their handy pack next to the loo.

7/10 if you precut the sheets, washable too!


Now you are talking, soft, durable, washable and fits like a glove. Add paper eyes for a toilet companion that will keep you amused until you have finished. Also you will never run out as you will always carry your own supply…on your feet!

9/10 it’s a friend for your fingers.

Bed Sheets

It’s a long and strong alternative but users may have difficulty flushing away double and king sizes. Extra comfort can be found using quilts and duvets whilst electric blankets may be warmed before use, just remember to unplug before flushing. May require several flushes and a good press with the toilet brush to help it on its way.

10/10 I’d use nothing else.

I hope these tips have been useful in combatting the large profiteering companies that plague our lives. Tomorrow we find out how to recreate any flavour of expensive Pot Noodles using old string, wood shavings and a yoghurt pot whilst learning all about home dentistry with kitchen implements.


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