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Randy Claphorn’s Mushrooms

As it’s National Mushroom day I’m Sister Randy Claphorn with a handy guide to all things mushroomy to help you along.

To talk mushroom make sure that in every sentance you replace at least one word with something fungi, for example ‘Really? I think you are talking shiitake.’ or ‘Yes, she is quite attractive, I could portabello her chestnut anyday.’ Try it, break the ice at parties, become the life and soul of family gatherings. Occasionally drop in hilarious gags like ‘There’s not mushroom in here!’ Or the equally hilarious ‘No, I’m just a fungi’ (fun guy, gettit?)

The biggest mushroom ever grown was so big that it blocked out the sun in 1923. Grown at the estate of Uphem Hall it took nearly twenty two tonnes of manure to grow and stood over two hundred feet high. The cook at that time had a jolly old fit when Lord Uphem asked for it for breakfast and it took her six weeks to cut and prepare it by which time he had gone of the idea completely and settled for scrambled eggs. The cook was found later gibbering away to herself in the scullery and had to be sacked after contracting an aversion to anything mushroomy.

Mushrooms are aphrodisiacs according to the mushroom growers association who in no way wish to promote mushroom consumption.

Mushrooms in supermarkets are often called Finest Forestiere Mushrooms because they have not come from a forest or have anything to do with the French, they just use fancy words to drive up the price on mushrooms and make you feel a bit like a chef.

The best way to prepare mushrooms is to brush them gently to remove any soil then lightly toss them in the bin.

The portabello mushroom makes an excellent umbrella for a mouse.

Large mushrooms were once used because of their naturally occurring roundness as wheels for racing cars until in 1928 when Zipper Samson the famous racing driver decided to try the notoriously unpredictable button variety in wet weather. On his second high speed lap the rear button mushroom ripped apart and the other three wheels lost their grip and he slid into a stall selling vegetables. As his car burst into flames it cooked the vegetables and mushrooms by flash frying them thus creating the very first stir fry.

Mushrooms are aphrodisiacs according to a new report by the Mushroom Council.

Mushrooms are best when they are kept in the dark and fed a load of shiitake, just like you and me really.

Trouser mushrooms are to be avoided whatever that means.

Other mushroom varieties include, white cap, chestnut, the Dickenson (orange and leathery) and of course Oyster which can also be used as payment in London for various forms of transport like Hansom Cabs and Sedan chairs.

We hope you knowledge of the humble mushroom has been expanded on National Mushroom Day, feel free to share with as many people as possible so they know you are full of shiitake and can tell your Pomberello from your Chesthunt any day of the week.

Today’s blog has been bought to you by Sister Randy Claphorn, Mushrooms Are Aphrodisiacs Ltd, buy me, today. E4T ME1


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