Our pop pundits have been scouring the galaxy to bring you nine brand new top hit LP’s catapulting you into a New Year of new music and high energy disco pop rap country beats. Ronnie Retrospeks reviews our newest and grooviest selection of pap, err, I mean pop to enter the scene for all you groovy hipster cool cat daddio’s that are refreshingly different from us all in so many ways.
No.9 – Larz Kristerz – Stuffparty 2
Wow, do I really want to party with some ‘stuff’ with these guys? Forget boring get together’s, forget yourself or just forget taste as we jive and jiggle to the latest Stuffparty sounds. A cross between a dying Yak and a bagpipe, Larz vocals could turn a cow inside out and cause you to pass wind violently at twenty paces. Play this when you want your guests to leave and you will never have a problem again.
Don’t call us we’ll call you. Never. Ever.
*** – 3/10 Extinguish all taste before playing.
No.8 – Atmosphere – Sad Clown, Bad Summer
If you ever wonder what made the Riddler so angry it was this, his first foray into pop history. Of course it failed miserably as we and Batman know, at least he got the makeup right even if the suit fails to excite the young ladies. I don’t know about the atmosphere in this one but shouldn’t that be Bad clown, Sad summer? Anyway about the only atmosphere I would like him to be in would be one with a severe lack of oxygen. Do you know ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’ Mr Sad Clown? You do? Well go away and sing there instead.
* – 1/10 Forget it and take that bloody piano with you.
No.7 – Paddy Roberts – Songs For Gay Dogs
Err? OK, not many albums show a bulldog trying to French kiss a reclining crooner but hey, it was released in 1963 but you can still buy this on Amazon for £10 if you are that desperate. Alternatively you could rip off your own ears, either will give you the same pain.
****** – 6/10 Mildly amusing.
No.6 – Ken – By Request Only
If I had requested a serial killer yes, my request would have been filled. Looking like a cross between Magnum P.I. and the Yorkshire Ripper he would be the last person I would invite to a party. You would find him outside, half naked sat in a bush with a small tool kit and balaclava for company no doubt. Maybe the album should have been called ‘Ken – Says You’re Next‘. Typical lyrics from said album –
“Ken! Ken! Please don’t hit me again, I’ve tied a ribbon around the old oak tree and you said you would take me up the garden path!
More Ken, more Ken, more Ken, MORE!
Hit me with your rhythm stick till I’m really sore!”
********** – 10/10 Don’t hit me again Ken!
No.5 – Edmund Hockridge – Sings For You
Another dog related cover, not content with singing for gay dogs we have another crooner who has a way with the ladies. Look how entranced they are, unfortunately moments after this photograph was taken he lost his finger to the poodle and was last seen trailing around half his trousers as he jumped over the fence. Apparently he hit a note only dogs can hear that turns them into slavering balls of fury. If you find a copy of this anywhere play at your own peril, either that or get a cat instead. N.B. WARNING – This record has not been tested on cats, do so at your own discretion.
** – 2/10 Bitches be like slavering horn dogs.
No.4 – Mike Terry – Live at the Pavilion Theatre Glasgow
Nice getup Mike, where did you get the lovely snuggie and matching tousled secondhand wool top? I love the way it clashes with your hair. Don’t tell me, you have matching red shoes too. Last seen receiving a Glasgow Kiss before being buried under thousands of
bottles after overstepping the mark and playing ‘Braveheart’ with his own special lyrics taken from the ‘Songs for Gay Dogs’ album.
* – 1/10 AWOL
No.3 – Freddy Gage – All My Friends Are Dead
Yes they are, they listened to your record and you killed them Freddy, what do you think about that? Enjoy singing now you murdering white tie, comfy shoe wearing grave hogger.
Nice shot BTW, graveside album covers always go down well, they are dead cool.
*********** – 11/10 Off the frikkin’ charts!
No.2 – Singing Postman – Best Of
Needless to say his first royalties cheque from 1964 arrived in the post. Yesterday. He made sixpence. Anyway how do we know he’s a postman apart from the uniform? He might be an imposter.
***** – 5/10 Super sexy postal bags.
No.9 – Larz Kristerz – Stuffparty 1
Translated it means ‘Stuff The Party’, which coincidentally is what all the party goers thought as soon as this record came on. Track one ‘Das Boot’ was a duffer and remains the highpoint of this lengthy album. ‘Achtung, Das Ziege’ (Caution The Goat), a song about a goat suffering depression after serving under Stalin who goes on to become leader of the Communist Party eventually getting stuck halfway down a cliff after a revolution over hay bales caused him to eat a stack of carrots destined for the Tsar. A catchy tune it is not.
The final track ‘Bier, Wurst und Kohl machen mich wie ein Esel in Berlin Rinde’ or ‘Beer, Sausage and Cabbage make me bark like a donkey in Berlin’ consists of the sounds of drinking and eating for ten minutes before a single note signifies a chorus of burps and hee-haws that lasts a further five. Needless to say it’s always a hit at funerals.
******************** – 20/10 Get this record or you have never lived.
More pop hits soon!
I’ll check the bottom of the barrel again.