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Playa School

And now on BBC One we have Play School which makes a welcome return after an absence of 28 years with its new updated format in accordance with today’s programming guidelines of children growing up with a hypnotic bombardment of programs and formats that are ineffective communicators and rely on rudeness and general unpleasantness to get a point across as the notion of good taste and respect stands derelict by the wayside. Adults are depicted as clueless fools and the latest technology pulls peer groups together as the family unit dissolves at a much earlier age and social technology wreaks havoc on many relationships. Enjoy!

Warning : Contains flashing images, strong language, drug and alcohol use and scenes of an upsetting nature.

Ding, ding, ding!

Here’s a house, here’s a door. Windows 1,2,3,4, ready to knock? Turn the lock – It’s goddam play school you motherflicking yard apes. Get down, it’s hammer time.

It feels good, when you know you’re down
A super fly homeboy from play town
And I’m known as such
And this a beat you mothers cannot touch

I told you, playboy
(You can’t touch this)
Yeah, that’s how we play and you know
(You can’t touch this)

So Humpty wave your hands in the air
Hamble bust a few moves over there
Jemima run your fingers through your hair
Move, slide your rump
Big Ted and little ted are going to do the bump, bump, bump

Break it down
Stop, hammer time.

Yo kiddies, stop all ya sexting, all ya texting and all ya bawling and pay yers attention. This be play school and for all you noobs it about to get happnin’

We yawl know you ain’t got an attention span, we yawl know its about you so today we are gonna tell you how to backchat with a few simple words whilst we pretend to be a diva.

Stand like this with your hands on your hips, that’s right, like a bitch. Now raise your hand, I know yawl don’t know your left from your right so just put your hand up. That’s right, raise a finger and show them crumblies your hand, then repeat after me.

‘Oh my god, I ain’t your bitch!’

Good, now try ‘You never tell me anyfink!’ and throw in a few ‘innits’ or ‘likes’ and then say ‘Duh, like that’s gonna happen”

Now let’s practice the sulk walk, that’s the bomb, it’s the knife through your crumblies hearts.

Look them in the eye and say ‘I hate you’, hold that glare 1,2,3 and drop your shoulders, turn around and walk out slamming the door.

Wasn’t that fun?

Let’s visit Brian and see what’s through the windows today, better be bitchin!

Will it be the round window? The square window? Or the arch window?

C’mon, make your minds up you doofus, which one shall we break today?

We are going to break the round window with Humpty. Come on Humpty, sit still whilst I kick you through it.

*crash*

Let’s see what’s through the broken glass…

Today we are going to visit a crack house and see how crystal meth is made, may even score some crank. After that last time me and Humpty visited that cat house we were on some real shiitake, when we donged that skin party we was wired man.

*short film*

Welcome back, it’s time for Floella to read us a story.

Sit down and shut the flick up, you gonna ear a tale and it’s amazeballs so head up and clam it.

It’s called ‘The Voice’ and if any of you muthas shout out or dis this speak I’ll be down on you like a schizzle storm.

“You lay in bed, everything is quiet when from downstairs you hear your dad calling you. ‘Emily, Emily!’ It calls, ‘Come down here Emily’

Quietly you step out of your room and stand at the top of the stairs.

Just as you are about to take the first step a voice comes from your parents room ‘Don’t go down there Emily, I heard it too’ says your dad.

Thanks Floella let’s go back to Brian

Let’s end today’s program with a few new bitchin’ words, got a problem with the teach? Call her a ho’

Let’s use it in a sentence.

‘Yo ho’ I ain’t got no pencil’

‘Ho’ you be like 99 problems, see what I’m sayin’ biatch?

No let’s learn to swagger, that’s it walk along like you got a full diaper, carry that attitude for max respect. Yolo.

C’mon, join in you Hamble bitch, that’s it get it on with Jemima, grind that booty up and down whilst I get my swerve on. Hang on, Big Ted, Little Ted, let’s get this pole in place we gonna have a party.

That’s it, work it girls I’m gonna make it rain on yawls. We be snortin’ Crystal and doin’ lines all nite getting our bitch on with Humpty and the crew.

That’s it from Play School we’ be back tomoroz wid bling, bling, bang, bang and a whole heap of toddler trouble. Keep that grill smilin’

Respect.

NEXT

Hectors House, in this updated episode Hector goes on a rampage with a 9mm after tripping over a garden rake. Contains flashing images, extreme violence and a few fu**s.

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