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Oh Mer Gaad!

My worst fears were confirmed this morning as the letterbox rattled at an unusually early time. On the doormat was a newspaper but not any newspaper, it was The Sun. Let me reclassify that, an emotional fuelled rumour pamphlet landed on my doormat entirely unexpected. I of course treated it as I would somebody urinating through my letterbox and grabbed it ready to rip it to shreds and toss it in the bin, for you see me and newspapers don’t really see eye to eye.

Then I paused, what was I doing? It’s blog fodder! Yay!

I gave up on newspapers in the early nineties as they annoy me somewhat with their content and never returned to them since. Newspapers went the same way as wristwatches which I haven’t worn since 2003 and for one year (2009) I also cut out the television, films and cinema. It may seem quite strange to hear that, cutting out large chunks of society sounds a bit strange but it allowed me to appreciate the real things in life without the distractions of modern day society and to this day it allow me to balance out my exposure to such things giving me more time to do and be with the things I love.

Anyway, apparently 22 million ‘historic edition’ Sun’s are being given out free so the odds of you getting one too is unfortunately quite high, sorry.

The front page has a ‘this is our England’ photo montage, I tried circling everyone I recognised then lost all interest when I realised James Corden and Wayne Rooney was in there. I couldn’t find Winston Churchill, Shakespeare or Darwin but I did find Eddie The Eagle Edwards which was some recompense. On the next page they have a survey of who is the greatest living English person. Hmm, who would you choose? the Queen perhaps? Or how about Stephen Hawking? Hmm, all reasonable choices instead we have in the top ten Ant and Dec.

Let that sink in a bit.

Ant and Dec, the greatest living English people, now you understand why I gave up television. A further 21% suggested someone else and 13% could not even name anybody so answered ‘don’t know’. Yay, go Great Britain!

Moaning and getting drunk was in the list of top English characteristics and for top English inventions we have a list that includes The World Wide Web (Err, not exactly sure we did ALL that on our own) and rubber bands which are English but not exactly earth shatteringly great, more convenient I think but at least they managed to completely miss the Industrial revolution and a few other thousand inventions key to everyday life.

Some of the fab things suggested I don’t want to do include wear a silly costume and attend a darts event, pretend to call on Mr Darcy at Chatsworth house (!? And just how does one pretend to do that?), enjoy a night in Newcastle, watch a game of football at West Bromwich Albions ground and take a ‘Walk Of Faith’ at Blackpool tower. Not to be confused with the walk of faith you take just by visiting Blackpool.

Here’s some other top quotes from this historical edition that caught my eye.

‘We invented almost everything that matters’

‘No one else on the planet comes close to our genius’

‘The spirit of Psycho’

And the absolute vomit inducing ‘Hope springs eternal in the human breast, especially one encased in an England shirt’

So you see this is why I don’t do newspapers, I just can’t help myself commenting on everything in them which I suppose is the reason they are so popular. Enjoy your free glimpse into the Sun, just don’t stare for too long it damages the eyes.

Oh yes, nearly forgot, they still go on about ’66 as well as Maradona’s hand of god for flips sake.

Just don’t mention the war.

Oops! Page 15!


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