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Make Mine A Large One

(Theme tune)
Is it little? is it large?
We don’t know so let us ask,
Little or large is such a blast,
Asking comics from the past.
It’s the Little Or Large Show!
(Applause and cue laughter)
Is it little or is it large? Our first guests are celebrity legendary comedians Eddie Large and Syd Little who haven’t spoken to each other in years. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable and without further ado here’s our first conundrum.
Elephants, are they little or large?
Eddie : They make Syd look like a borrower!
Syd : I’d say they are large based solely on the fact that they are the same size as Eddie.
Result : Large
Matchsticks, little or large?
Eddie : Where’s Syd, ah there you are, hiding behind the matchstick again? Hahaha.
Syd : If I had a matchstick for everytime you have told a thin or skinny joke about me I’d own Swan Vesta. They are little, unlike big mouth over there.
Eddie : Well, dagnabbit if it ain’t a talking stick that looks like a Thunderbird character.
Syd : Eddie, Deputy Dawg impressions went out in the 70’s along with Frank Spencer, Mike Yarwood and that hair perm.
Eddie : Why you little £@!?
Syd : Why you large @£?!@&£?!
Unfortunately we will have to cut it there as we escort our special guests out of the studio, who’s next?
We are up for a treat folks with legendary little and large comedians The Krankies, give them a warm welcome please as they come on stage avoiding the fighting double act.
Wee Jimmy Krankie : I told you that beanstalk wasn’t safe, just go up you said, it’ll be fun you said.
Jimmys Dad, Ian : I didn’t know it was unsafe until I shook it.
Wee Jimmy Krankie : Well @&£?! Fan-Dabi-Dozi! That the first time you told me you shook it, it’s no wonder I fell off you @”)£&!, I only managed to get out Fan-Dabi before I hit the ground. It knocked my Crackerjack badge clean off.
Jimmys Dad, Ian : Oh, did I not tell you that before? Bugger.
Wee Jimmy Krankie : That’s the last time I’m dressing up like a schoolboy for you again!
Ahem, I think we should leave it there. Quick! security get them out of the building. Sorry about that folks, let’s have our final guest for tonight, it’s no other than…
…comedy legends Cannon and Ball, rock on Tommy!
Bobby Ball : That’s my line!
I’m sorry, welcome to the show.
Bobby Ball : Tommy, he’s just stolen my line, I’m going to piggin hit him Tommy!
Tommy Cannon : Calm down Bobby, he didn’t mean it.
Bobby Ball : You little liar! He piggin meant it, hold me back Tommy!
Tommy Cannon : It’s alright, let’s just get on with the show.
Bobby Ball : That’ll do for me cocker, I’m still watching him though. I’m dead excited!
Unfortunately folks we have run out of time, see you again next week at the same time for more Little or Large!
Bobby Ball : Deep piggin down, you really hate me don’t yer!
Bobby Ball : You piggin liar, I’m going to have him Tommy, hold me back, hold me back. Gerroff Tommy you’ve got me skin!
(Curtains down)
(Roll Credits)
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