The studio has a new addition today in the for of a golden lucky cat that waves endlessly from the corner. It even comes thoughtfully with little banners for you to fill in to bring ‘immediate realisations’, although really I’m a bit unsure that I’m ready for immediate realisations in my life. The realisation I’m still in Mansfield when I wake in a morning is enough for me.
The instructions though are ‘quaint’ instructing me to provide power to beckon the hand for months by using the initiative operation of a battery on the inscribed polarities and also filling out self filled creative and catchy phrases on the ‘lable’ paper for poly-luck beckoning lyrics. Personally I like to put the names of people I would like to not see again and attach these so our golden cat gives them a permanent wave of goodbye, don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.
Anyway, I wondered what would happen if we had a go at this positive stuff here in the UK, no doubt it would play to our strengths so I had a go to see what I could come up with by taking typical british traits…
It’s the next big thing, an Unlucky Chav ™ the only double insulting, lager balancing, twin teethed, blinged up cap wearing chav available today.
Comes fully articulated with double finger action, both arms after insertion of a battery will continue to give you an ‘Up Yours’ and simultaneously tell you to go away with jerky movements with an alternative flick of the wrist. Multi-speeds can really up the pace into a superb agitation state bringing the terror of meeting one for real. With a cap already back to front for street racing action we thoughtfully include two cans of lager and a few tabs.
Gold and diamond plastic encrusted Dollar chains complete the look whilst the female version comes complete with fake designer bag and big hair. Additional poly-luck stick on labels allow you to personalise your Chav with the ability to direct abuse at any individual whatever their upbringing, creed, religion or make of Peugeot 206 with noisy exhaust.
Superbly crafted right down to every detail, comes complete with two teeth and a rap sheet to make your toes curl. Our Unlucky Chav is so real you will be hard put to differentiate between ours and the ones they advertise on Jeremy Kyle, we guarantee it!
Optional speech packs can be added for £2.99 each with such classics as ‘Wat?’ And ‘Nuffink!’ Added to the extensive vocabulary of ‘Nope!’, ‘Dope’, ‘Sick’ and ‘Knob’Ead!’. A volume control unfortunately cannot be fitted to this Unlucky Chav although we do sell optional tagging systems for you to simulate ASBO’s. An XR125 Chav Magnet is also available at some stores. Gestures are also customisable, should you require our ‘what a anchor’ pack consisting of two hands holding invisible banana’s then please contact our ‘Innit Bled?’ Department and quote the reference Brap, Braap, Braaaap!
If you find your Unlucky Chav is disappointing simply place it back in the packaging and bugger off. Should the arm action stop working remove the battery and nick one from your nearest supermarket.
UNLUCKY CHAV Made in the UK by R U Avin A Gigle M8? RRP £4.99 from Skegness.