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Look At My Balls

I saw a funny thing yesterday, actually I saw quite a few funny things yesterday but that’s by the by. The one that stuck out in my mind was a handmade sign stuck on the back windows of a normal small car. It simply said ‘I Read Your Fortune At Home Or In The Car, tel xxxxxxxxx’.

I have so many questions, all of them bordering on disbelief. For a start offering to do it in your car is a bit flamboyant, I mean what if you have a mini and she, I assume its a she, turns up decorated with fortune telling fluff carrying a small table, tarot cards and a crystal ball, it’s going to get awfully cramped. Where does she set up? In the back seat so she can fix a temporary set of curtains between front and back? I can’t really see her doing it in the passenger seat as her table wouldn’t straddle the gear stick and its bad enough passing a sweet between passengers never mind crossing a palm with silver. Do they still do that by the way? Silver is 50p, 10p or 5p, not much money in it is there? Here love, here’s 5p, I only want to know what I have got for tea.

So I thought I would try something similar and offer to read your fortune everywhere and for free. No more car clairvoyance, no more tarot in a Toyota. It’s quite simple, chose a number between one and ten then think of a letter between A and J. Combine them both for your super accurate prediction.


1.Will I get rich?

2.Will I win the lottery?

3.Will I go bald?

4.Will I grow a pair?

5.Will I have children?

6.Will I ever get married?

7.Will I ever be a pop idol?

8.Will I live to be a hundred?

9. Will I ever be happy?

10. Will I ever get a friend?

True Predictions That Are Super Accurate

A. Only if you do drugs then you will be friends with a rainbow pooping unicorn and a small elephant called Ronald.

B. Maybe, it all depends on what you do when you meet a tall dark stranger, with a limp, both arms in plaster, in a Stetson, wearing a raincoat and carrying a half empty whiskey bottle. That is your destiny.

C. It may happen, but then again you think you can sing whilst in reality your voice curdles milk and causes puppies to implode. Small children have had spontaneous nosebleeds when you have attempted to sing Biebers Girlfriend so the future may not be what you have asked.

D. Who cares?

E. It will happen, to somebody, somewhere. It could be you, either that or my crystal ball is greasy and needs a good buffing. I knew I shouldn’t have had a bag of crisps before handling my balls.

F. Probably not, grab a beer, order a pizza and watch television, life, it doesn’t get better than that. Oh, nearly forgot, there’s some bad news too, your are going to…

G. No you won’t, instead you are destined to become a raging alcoholic lion tamer who decides after having a midlife crisis to be an artist only to find its even more depressing so you return to the drink, fart around all day and worry over the cardinal sin of using black in a painting.

H. Yes it will happen, I am also an habitual liar and prone to exaggeration.

I. The mists are unclear but I see children in your future, 76 of them to be precise but unfortunately all your teeth will fall out. I also see a man called Jeremy Kyle enter your life, hang on, I can just see his last name, it’s Show, he’s linked to your future in a big way.

J. Possibly, but it’s more likely that you will open your wardrobe one day and find right at the very back that there’s a door. If you open that door you will find a staircase. Climb the staircase and you will find a slide, go down the slide and you will be back in your room. Life’s like that get used to it.

Predictions verified by Madame Cholette Wombledon, psychic to the stars, mouthpiece to the spirit world and professional mud wrestler.


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