1. Its Friday and free gift time! Today our in depth probing questionnaire will attempt to work out if you are angry, a male chauvinist pig or a cat through the use of clever psychological techniques kept secret for millions of years. Simply answer A,B or C and use the chart at the end to reveal the answer.
You are watching television and you realise you have left the remote control out of reach, do you…
A) Swear lavishly, stand up and rip your pants off in anger and stuff them down the back of the sofa.
B) Walk in front of the television to block the view, sit down and raise one leg to give yourself a good clean.
C) Shout the missus in to get it.
2. You sit down for dinner with your family when you realise that you haven’t got a spoon for pudding, what do you do next?
A) Pull off the table cloth and dash all the dishes to the floor, upturn all the chairs and smash their legs off then set fire to your hair.
B) Jump up onto the table and sit down, raise one leg and give yourself a good clean.
C) Shout the missus in to tell her off then ask her why she is out of the kitchen.
3. You are waiting at the traffic lights but don’t manage to get through as the learner car in front is going slow. What do you do next?
A) Bash your horn with your forehead until you have everyone’s attention then drop your pants and swing your tackle out of the window yelling ‘knob head’ whilst gesticulating with your middle finger.
B) Pay no attention as you don’t drive.
C) Blame the missus and bitch and moan at her for the next few minutes until the lights change.
4. You are at the seaside and you have just bought an ice cream 99, you realise as you turn away that the flake is a centimetre shorter than you remember, do you…
A) Smash the ice cream into the vendors face, cover him with strawberry syrup and force feed him Mr Whippy before sticking flakes in his ears.
B) Meow loudly until you get a miniature cone of your own made from the bottom broke off and a little bit of ice cream.
C) Take the missus 99 in compensation.
5. You are in the kitchen making a sandwich but you don’t have enough bacon to cover the last inch of bread, do you…
A) Turn on and light all the gas rings, open the oven door and take two forks out of the drawer and stick them in your head whilst shouting ‘I am the god of hell fire and I’m out of bacon!’ Dance around the cooker shouting ‘burn baby, burn’ as you empty the contents of cereal packets onto the fierce heat of the hob.
B) Yowl and meow your heart out until you get a piece, if the fails jump up onto the worktop and help yourself.
C) Trick question, the kitchen is for the missus.
6. You are at a restaurant with a lady and the waiter is waiting for your order but you can’t decide on a starter, do you…
A) Tip the table over and drop your pants. You remove a lighter from your pocket and bend over to let out a big trumpet which you set fire to as it exits. The following fireball removes facial hair from the entire room and gives everyone a ruddy pallor, you then choose the scallops.
B) You stand at the back door and meow for fish scraps.
C) Ask your lady friend why she is out of the kitchen.
Mostly A) You are perfectly normal and exactly the overreacting type we need in today’s me society. Congratulations, your anger problems are no greater than anybody else’s and you will fit in fine, go outside and punch somebody.
Mostly B) Congratulations you are a cat, don’t forget to follow the cat code and never reveal that you can talk and read. Take every opportunity to have a fettle whilst people are eating and always sleep somewhere warm and inconvenient to your slaves. Yowl to annoy and meow to beg.
Mostly C) Well done your attitudes to women are stuck in the 70’s. Get yourself a beard, splash on some Brut and go an find some birds at the boozer. You won’t and you will spend the rest of your life with your mates supping a pint and moaning how things aren’t like they used to be when you could slap a bird on the arse and stare at her tits without being called a pervert.
D) If you are still reading this then don’t forget that there is a free event next Saturday, 25th March at Castle Galleries in Meadowhall where we will be launching two new Impossimal prints and having a party between 1-4pm. Everyone is welcome and it’s entirely free, just turn up on the day. We will both be there along with free badges, drink, Impossimals and a special surprise!
E) If you are a cat think on about coming along, you will only probably sit in the middle of the gallery and lick your bottom.