Hi, I’m Rod Stewart and I officially don’t endorse today’s blog entry.
What if the world was made of chewing gum? Everything you touch was sticky and could be bent and shaped into whatever you wanted. Pieces could be broken off and chewed then spat out to become part of the world again. Yes, my mind is unravelling again. It’s these kind of weird thoughts that makes me wonder if I am indeed a little mentally disturbed. It’s just not normal is it?
Anyway, in the vain hope that this will clear my mind of its mental tumbleweeds I thought I would share with you the story of the King Of Pieopolis.
Once upon a time there was a prince who lived in a big castle in the land of Makeituptia. The king was a greedy vile one, he ruled his subjects with a iron fist and always demanded more of them than they could give. ‘More taxes!’ he would say, ‘More gifts!’ he would demand, ‘More food!’ he would declare as his poverty strapped subjects starved. He loved it, they hated it, everybody despised the greedy vile King.
‘What shall we do? What can we do?’ chorused his subjects but one person remained mysteriously quiet. He was the village baker, he knew what they could do and he told them, quietly and secretively. They all grinned, returned to their homes to fetch one grain of wheat and gave it to the baker. Soon the baker had enough grains to grind to make the flour and to make his secret.
The king awoke from his royal slumber to the alluring smell of cooking. ‘I’m hungry, feed me!’ was his first words as he rose from his bed to his frightened servants. ‘What is that smell, it’s smells like nothing I have smelt before!’ bellowed the king.
‘It’s coming from the village bakers Sire.’ they replied.
‘Then it is mine, I demand that you find out what it is and bring it to me now, I shall have it for breakfast.’.
‘But…Sire, it’s the villages food!’ they nervously replied.
‘If you don’t bring me what they are cooking i’ll have you all boiled in a big pot and served with roast potatoes, fetch me that food NOW!’ and with that they all scurried away to do the kings bidding.
Shortly afterwards they returned and presented the king who was still sat in bed with what they had found. It was a small perfectly formed pie, no bigger than your hand. With it was a letter from the baker, it simply said ‘Only eat what you need or your need will only be eat’.
‘Stuff and nonsense!’ and the king, for he was the king dismissed the letter, sniffed the pie then without hesitation popped it in his mouth and it was gone in an instant, he was indeed a greedy vile king. ‘Delicious!’ he intoned.
‘What?’ Said the king as he sat looking at the servants staring back at him.
‘Your nose Sire, it’s changed’
Surely enough as the king reached up to his face he felt an unfamiliar object, a snout, not a nose had appeared. His jaw started to open and shut automagically, unable to speak he could only chew and chew he did. First went the silver tray, straight into his mouth, secondly the bed, all scoffed in an instant. Nothing was inedible for the automatic chomping snout laden king. Bed stands, doors, carpets, windows they all disappeared into the kings ever expanding waistline as he munched his way out of the bedroom and further into the castle oinking uncontrollably.
With a look of terror in his eyes the king reached his throne room and chomp, the throne was gone, swallowed whole, for the king was now growing at an ever expanding rate. In went the kings jewels, his fortune in gold, halfway through eating the banqueting table his crowned head reached the ceiling and his sides touched all four walls. His appetite knew no bounds. Off came the roof of the castle, the turrets cantered down his throat, brick after brick the castle was consumed as the servants fled fearing for their lives. Finally the last brick was gone and the king was left sitting on a circular patch of grass surrounded by a moat.
The villages had gathered around the moat, the baker stood at the front, smiling.
The king was still hungry, still greedy, still vile. ‘Feed me!’ he boomed in a booming voice that boomed across the land.
‘No!’ Shouted back the villages, ‘No more!’ They all added.
Just then the king noticed something he hadn’t eaten. Ten small piggies barely within reach. Bending over to bursting point he managed to get one in his mouth, then another followed by eight more until both feet were in his mouth. As he chomped and chomped he slowly shrank until he had completely eaten himself. All that was left was his crown which the baker now retrieved.
The land of Makeituptia and the people herein never forgot their greedy vile king and to make sure they never had a greedy vile king again the baker made a special pie, the Porky Pie using the crown shape to give it a distinctive crown like top. And the baker, what was his secret? Well, thats another story…
See, I told you I was in a weird mood today, you’re lucky you didn’t get my story of Box 127 and The Rampant Jekylled Whatabanker but that I’m afraid will have to wait a little longer as its part of the mentally disturbed Bloodlines. Right, lets get on with painting the destruction of St Paul’s Cathedral filled with Wotsits and Quavers. Just a normal day at the office.