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It’s True, That Assholes Written Another Blog Entry!

I have made many friends recently since I have moved, many of them I have accidentally bumped into during my short time but they all have one thing in common. I met them all on my staircase.

It may be an unusual place to meet friends but all makes more sense when you find out that my new friends include large spiders, huge moths, assorted wood lice and in one case a three inch long black slug that looked like a liquorice moustache. It all came to a head last night when I bent over to switch on a bedside light and heard a rustle up above, as soon as I turned my head a weird looking grasshopper launched itself from the ceiling ninja style to bounce off my forehead and send me in girlish screams around the top floor. Apparently they have been attracted by the Velux on the staircase and make the massive effort to shin up twenty five feet only to drop on me from a great height, obviously they must get some amusement out of this. “Hey guys! Guess what? I have found this hole, it’s up there and it’s awesome, a two second free fall into lovely soft hair if you time it right. It made me lol I can tell you and I got a ride around some weird house accompanied by a wailing until I was deposited back outside unharmed! Awesome!” Said the slug to the assorted motley crew of potential Velux jumping candidates.

Living in the country does have its moments. I have already met face to face a badger in the garden when I least expected it, he too didn’t expect it and decided that I was indeed blocking his normal nightly stroll. Later that week I made a pheasant jump who in turn made me absolutely squeal when it came flapping out of the undergrowth making a noise like a bust bagpipe, I of course fell into a rose bush. One night a few midges decided to turn me into a human pincushion and gave me fifty two bites in one night, I know, I counted each itchy one.

Just in case you think it’s just me Jayne has fared no better, last Friday she inadvertantly cut through the electric cable of the hedge trimmer only days after we installed an RCD circuit for just such event then an hour later stumbled backwards into a wasp hive and was stung relentlessly. Safely back inside Jayne tried to close a window and some random looking insect that looked like it was assembled from other broken insects used a large stinger to pierce her palm so as you see, a grasshopper bouncing off my bonce was just one in a long line of country things to discover.

Chopping logs, emptying poo pits and lighting fires have also played their part and even though everything is more hard work than just flicking the heating on or flushing the toilet it’s also a lot more fun.

The blog used to be full of my tribulations regarding DIY stores and supermarkets full of random events and rude staff, not so now, they pretty much don’t exist within a fifteen mile radius and instead we have DIY stores called P&Q which amazingly stocks more of everything you need than some of the largest DIY superstores and of course it’s more friendly. We now shop local and by local I mean locally owned shops which makes a huge difference to the quality of produce we now get. But you know what is really great about moving? The really, really great thing that I never imagined would happen?

We have hares.

Spindly legged big eared hares at the bottom of our garden that delight in the early morning sun across the fields and that it something I could watch each and every day for the rest of my life.

Must dash, a twenty two legged spider-cricket has just appeared from under the bedclothes carrying my underpants with a wily look in its eye.

Oh my!


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