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I Am The Great Cornholio

Artists can be unpredictable moody people with a penchant for over flowery words and exaggerated dress sense but how do you know if you are an artist?

Recent scientific discoveries have allowed us to make a quick checklist, simply add up the statements you agree with to find out if you are indeed an insufferable artshole.

Take one point for each statement you agree with.

A) I am an artist.

B) I am not an artist.


How did you do?

1 or more – Sorry, you’re an artist.

0 or less – Congratulations, you’re not an artist.


Top Tips For Being An Artist

Do something arty.


Top Tips For Non-Artists

Do something non-arty.


Artist confidence test, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the lowest, 10 the highest, how confident on a daily basis are you?

1-3 Sorry again, you are still an artist. It’s perfectly natural to worry everyday and critique your own work to the point of self destruction. Your score may fluctuate on a daily basis sometimes reaching minus figures.

4-10 Congratulations you are not an artist but you may be an artshole (see ‘Fartist’ and ‘Artyfarty’)


How To Become An Artist

1) Don’t.

2) If you really must then don’t.

3) No, really, don’t.

4) OK, In that case remember the old artist warning ‘There are old artists and there are bold artists but there are no old bold long tailed lemurs that do excellent impressions of Mary Berry juggling her buns.’


Complete this arty sentance.

Artists ____ all day.

If you said paint, draw, create etc then congratulations you are not an artist, if you answered worry, cry, start again, tip over your easel, shout, throw work away, worry again then I’m sorry, you are still an artist.

If you are still not an artist then congratulations, please feel free to get on with your life. If you find you are still an artist then I’m deeply sorry and here’s a pretty picture to keep you calm.

Cue the Bob Ross.


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