Scrooge was on to a good thing, don’t let the jollity of the season spoil your Christmas being miserly and rude, simply follow our several step guide to holding on to all those hard earned pennies this season and maintaining that grumpy demeanor.
Never ever throw away your candles, even when they have burnt down to the absolute bottom they can still give a few seconds of light and heat out for Bob Cratchit to stay another few hours on Christmas Eve.
Be awkward, the more awkward you are in general the more people will leave you alone to count your money this year. Gatherings of friends and family promotes happiness, stamp on this by provoking arguments although come Christmas Day tea time they should pretty much have started themselves.
Ask to take away any fat left over from the goose or turkey from any unpleasant gathering you are invited to. Burnt coal dipped in fat has a new lease of life and will warm your room and provide a pleasant cooking smell to boot.
Keep several chamber pots full to the brim with effluent, should a gaggle of carol singers turn up unexpectedly simply tip the contents from the first floor window onto their cheery heads. Don’t forget to shout first so they look up open mouthed.
If by chance you get three ghosts appear on Christmas Eve who want to show you the past, present and future just ignore them, they only want to fill you with regret and remorse. Instead make Bob Cratchit work through the night of Christmas Eve until dawn that way you avoid any spirit intervention.
Say no to mistletoe. It cold and flu season so slap anyone who comes near you and chastise them to keep all their sniffles to themselves. And it’s poisoness.
Tell any child you encounter that Santa is not real and lecture them on the evils of believing in anything other than the pursuit of wealth at the expense of others.
When counting pennies it is advisable to stack them in columns of ten, that way when transferring them to your safety deposit boxes you can easily see if any fall short or have been pilfered by that scheming Bob Cratchit. If you notice a discrepancy remind him of what you did to Tiny Tim by placing a crutch and a small cap next to his desk.
Remind people that everytime a bell rings a fairy loses it’s wings.
If on Christmas morning you awake to a fresh coating of snow outside and you look out of the window to see a young scamp walking along, remember that big prize turkey in the butchers shop and fling open your window wide. Shout down to the young scamp and say ‘Boy! I said boy! Does the butcher still have any turkeys left in his window?’ When our young scamp replies ‘Why yes sir!’ simply add ‘Well tell him not to buy so many next time, it’s a terrible waste’ and slam the window shut.
Remember to include the words ‘Bah Humbug!’ In most sentences although avoid using this in sweet shops as you may inadvertantly spend a penny buying boiled sweets.
Reminisce about how succulent Tiny Tim was once he had been basted and roasted.
Avoid using any door knockers shaped like a face and eating bread and cheese before bedtime.
Sack Bob Cratchit on Christmas Eve and reinstate him on a zero hour contract at lower pay providing he works Christmas Day.